Welcome to my Airbnb. Please review kindly

I don’t know how much the Pope’s visit cost the country, but I bet it isn’t as much as my first batch of Airbnb guests have cost me, and they’re not even here yet.

I don’t know much about Popes in general, on account of having zero interest in patriarchal monotheism, but I’m sure I read somewhere that he’s not very blingy. Likes a small car, doesn’t request roast swan for dinner, has no need for gold taps or bathing in ass’s milk.

I wish Airbnb guests were as simple. What used to be money for old rope — download the app, change the sheets, key under the mat, bish bosh — has, in the few years since my last foray into hosting, become a blood sport. Everyone and their mother is an Airbnb host now.