New reality TV show alert - Secret Life of Four-Year-Olds meets Jeremy Kyle

I’ve googled it and I don’t think it exists yet. There are a few fictional series based on it, but not what I’m planning. I’ve threatened to make my millions a few times in this column, but this could be the one where I finally get enough money together for a shed, writes Colm O’Regan. 

I was watching First Dates and doing what I think many of us do: Imagining how amazingly funny, deep, entertaining, charming I’d be, if I were in their place. I’d know exactly what to say to anyone — even to the fella who does nude performance art in a bog (“But what about the midges?”).

One thing I hope I would not say is: ‘I’m a gentlemen, so ladies first LOL’ at the end, for the decision. Anyone who says ‘ladies first’ on First Dates is not being a gentleman. They are being a twat. Going first on First Dates is like being thrown first into a pool, where you don’t know if it’s deep enough. Whoever comes next can see you break your coccyx off the bottom and change their mind. While watching, I came up with my most brilliant crap idea yet: First Playdates.