'I thought I would be better off dead': Woman tells court of years of coercive control by her husband
The catalogue of incidents over the 20 years included the victim being punched in the face, caught by the throat, knocked to the floor when she was pregnant, struck with an implement on the legs when she was holding an infant in her arms, and repeatedly verbally abused. Picture: Larry Cummins
“Relentless and torturous” are the two words used by a victim to describe the coercive control by her 50-year-old husband as he faced sentencing on Wednesday at the Central Criminal Court sitting in Cork.
“Every part of every day revolved around his mood. Even if he was 200 miles away, he still would have the ability to instil fear in me. I would give into his demands just to have peace in the house,” the woman said.
The man who carried out the coercive control originally considered himself the victim and felt he was being blamed for everything, and all of it was being put on him, according to his engagement with the probation service.
Defence senior counsel Brendan Grehan said of the defendant’s attitude now: “He wants to apologise to her for his behaviour in the past and he wishes her well in the future.
“He holds traditional values around the role of women — he is going to have to come in to present times.”
The injured party said on Wednesday: “The constant critical and demeaning running commentary in everything I did or said, the name-calling never stopped, it was constantly chipping away at my confidence, my individuality, my ability to think for myself.
"If I asked could I go somewhere, I'd know by the look he would give that he didn't approve and I wouldn't ask again. If I was allowed to go somewhere, it came with conditions. He controlled who I could be friends with, tried to turn me against my family.
“He told me everyone was using me but it was him that was using me, I couldn't speak my own mind. I was trained into being compliant from the start. I was living in a constant state of anxiety, when coming up to something like a family day out, holiday, or family occasion I would be in dread, everyone would be walking on eggshells. I was terrified if someone stepped out of line in his eyes, of the punishment that would ensue because if he wasn't happy nobody could be happy.
“I was exhausted from trying to please. The more I did, the more that was expected — no matter what I did it was never enough. The goalpost kept moving.
“On the rare occasion I tried to stand up for myself or my children, I would be bracing myself for the repercussions.
“Every degrading text message I received I can remember where I was when I received it, and I can still feel now how I felt when I read it. When I hear the word [she spelled out c**t], I can still hear his voice hissing that word at me. I freeze and my neck stiffens at the memory of it.
“I was drip-fed moments of happiness, but as time went on they became less and less frequent. He would crush these moments and let me know that my happiness was under his control. I was stuck in a vicious pattern of control. I started to realise all his actions were premeditated. I became a shell of myself.
“I thought about taking my own life, I thought I would be better off dead. It was only after we separated that I had head space to start processing what I went through.
“I couldn't sleep properly for the first three years with nightmares and flashbacks… My confidence was completely eroded, I kept overthinking everything I said or did, I felt so stupid and useless from the constant degrading and humiliation.
“I have finally accepted that I will have to live with the effects of trauma for the rest of my life — there will always be constant triggers. I have found coping methods and I am navigating through the effects of trauma.”
The victim, who is in her mid-40s, thanked her children, family, friends and employers for their support and Detective Garda Raleen Bell for her tireless dedication.
While prosecution senior counsel Anne Rowland outlined a catalogue of matters in the background to this coercive control over approximately 20 years — both before and during their marriage — the charge refers to a period from January 2019 to September 2020.
Ms Rowland said January 2019 was when the crime of coercive control became law. September 2020 was when the victim left told him she was leaving him for good.
The catalogue of incidents over the 20 years included the victim being punched in the face, caught by the throat, knocked to the floor when she was pregnant, struck with an implement on the legs when she was holding an infant in her arms, and repeatedly verbally abused.
He would constantly check her by sending texts. He blamed her for not changing her work shifts on a day when he was involved in a serious accident and said it would not have happened but for her actions. He insisted on sexual intercourse very regularly.
Mr Grehan said while a litany of details were given from a 20-year period, the only charges to which the defendant pleaded guilty related to January 2019 to September 2020.
Ms Justice Siobhán Lankford adjourned sentencing until June 3, with the accused remanded on bail until then.
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