Catholic guilt still plays 'massive part' in the lives of Irish people, says Cork sex therapist
Difficulties in the bedroom can take a variety of forms which Psychotherapist Donal Clifford deals with on a daily basis. File picture
Not many of us can claim to have a window into the sex lives of strangers. However, for Cork therapist Donal Clifford, who specialises in problematic sexual behaviour, this is what he is presented with every day in his practice.
From sexual addiction to sexual avoidance, the psychotherapist deals with a wide range of behaviours. And he is keen to point out how remnants of old Catholic Ireland remain ingrained in our collective psyche and are putting a stranglehold on some people's sexuality.
These deep-seated feelings can be detrimental for people already experiencing fears of judgment and rejection around their sexual orientations and, according to Mr Clifford, can bring many to breaking point.
While the mental health expert supports people struggling more 'modern' conditions like pornography addictions, some of his cases read like sad tales from a bygone era.
Gay people trapped in heterosexual marriages and conforming to perceived fixed gender roles are a common feature at Mr Clifford's clinic. They serve as a reminder of a less tolerant time, the scars from which still run deep today, he told the .
"Attitudes like this haven't gone away in some parts of the country," says Mr Clifford. "There are parts of Ireland — particularly in the rural areas — where people are holding on to very old-fashioned values. In certain areas the mentalities are still the same as they were several decades ago."
It might explain why some of his clients are travelling hours every week just for a session. "I have people coming to me from as far as Galway because they have nowhere else to turn," he told the .
The pain for people struggling with their sexuality can often be unbearable.
"Everyone has a belief system they may not even be aware of. I have worked with people with internalised homophobia.
"Some are married and others are in heterosexual relationships. It's a lot more common than you would think. It can result in a lot of anger, isolation and loneliness for people. If someone is denying a part of themselves then that part is effectively missing. When this is the case it's impossible to ever feel whole."
He said many of issues are reminiscent of an older, less tolerant Ireland.
"It's hard to understand how people could live that way but then you have to remember that many of these people have older parents and come from traditional families. We now have adults convincing themselves they are bisexual or completely shutting this part of themselves down due to shame and fear of misunderstanding and judgment.
"Catholic guilt is still 100% playing a massive part in the lives of people living in Irish society. Most of us might not attend church anymore but we continue to practise Catholicism in our acts and how we structure relationships."
Mr Clifford, who operates a private practice in Patrick's Quay in Cork City, says people are coming from afar to see him. "This is how desperate they are. It gives you a sense of what's going on. They reached breaking point a long time ago but are only now doing something about it."
He expressed concern for future generations.
"It is these environments that have the potential to bring about huge issues later in life."
And he said that couples will often do anything they can to keep the family together.
"If one of them is having an affair — even a gay affair — it might actually suit both parties in the relationship. A wife for example who no longer feels herself to be sexual in any way might be content with other aspects of the relationship where the man remains faithful such as caring for the children and running a household.
"Subconsciously she knows but she tries not to pay any attention at all. There are relationships out there where both parties see other people. If this works for both of them then it isn't a problem."
He emphasised the need to remove any shame around sex.
"So often we link the two when they shouldn't go together at all. There is often a lot of guilt with people for simply finding another human being attractive when this is just human nature. It doesn't mean we want to have an affair with this person or act on anything."
Difficulties in the bedroom can take a variety of forms which Donal deals with on a daily basis.
"Issues include vaginismus which results in a tightening of the vagina to prevent penetrative sex. There can be many reasons for this. Erectile difficulties are also common and can come about for many reasons. Exposure to pornography can often play a part in this because sex in reality won't excite the person in the same way it did before.
"Then there is sexual avoidance and sexual binge purge which involves the person having a lot of sex and then withdrawing altogether. There can be a multitude of reasons for what a person is experiencing but pinpointing the actual problem is the hardest part."
Sexual addiction is often at the centre of Donal's conversations.
"Everyone has an erotic template and is turned on by different things. This is healthy. It's only when the sexual behaviour becomes problematic that issues start to arise. I have people coming to me from all walks of life. Sexual health is a part of every person and it's a huge part of what we do."
Donal is calling for the introduction of more education for young people around problematic sexual behaviour.
"It's a really worrying thought but I think that in 10 years time we are going to see a massive increase in sexual assaults and sexual difficulties. Because of what is happening now everyone has access to extreme sexual content with no guidance. You have to wonder about what this will mean for our children's future."
