'Fat pig was one of his favourite things to call me': Victims reveal coercive control warning signs

Mary Hayes (left), who leads the Too Into You project at Women’s Aid, said: “The campaign is to teach young people, particularly young women aged 18 to 25, that relationship abuse is common but there are specific supports available for people facing abuse."

“If it feels wrong, it probably is and it’s worth talking about."

This was the message from Women’s Aid this week as the organisation launched a new website providing support for young people who are victims of coercive control.

The site, toointoyou.ie, also aims to help young people identify the signs of intimate relationship abuse and raise awareness of the red flags of an unhealthy relationship.

Mary Hayes, who leads the Too Into You project at Women’s Aid, said: “The campaign is to teach young people, particularly young women aged 18 to 25, that relationship abuse is common but there are specific supports available for people facing abuse.

“Abuse happens in many ways. I think a lot of the time we assume that there has to be a physical mark there, but actually emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse for young women. Of the one in five who’ve been abused, nine in 10 were subject to emotional abuse.” 

Women’s Aid said that there is a gap in knowledge among many young people about what coercive control is, as it published figures to suggest that one in five young people aged 18-24 had never heard of the term.

Furthermore, one in six young women have been subjected to coercive control by a current partner or ex, as have one in 13 young men. Women’s Aid provided a number of testimonies outlining the experiences of some women who have been in such relationships.

Denise - 'I kept receiving texts telling me I was stupid'

We met when we were 17 and ended up doing the same course in college. He was verbally abusive towards me, in person and in texts. One day, in class, I had to stand up and give a presentation and was using my phone as a timer. 

As I was giving the presentation, I kept receiving text after text from him telling me I was stupid, and what I was saying didn't make sense, that I wasn't smart enough to be doing the course and that everyone in the class thought the same.

"Fat pig" was one of his favourite things to call me and he used it frequently. He would tell me that he needed me to look more like other girls for him to be attracted to me and that I needed to try and lose some weight. So, I started running. 

At first, I started running to change myself physically for him, but I ended up enjoying it for myself. It was freeing and calmed my mind. Last year, I completed my second Dublin Marathon and completed my third, in Paris, in April.

Clare - 'You can't ever get used to the mental abuse'

I was just turning 17 when I met my ex-partner. We hooked up at my 17th birthday party. He was 21 at the time. Having a 21-year-old interested in me at the age of 17 certainly felt thrilling at the time. 

At the beginning he was nice, making sure I got home safely and on time for curfew. Things became different after we had moved in together when I had just turned 18. 

It started when he said he’d like to see me wearing clothes of a certain style because he had a better fashion sense and knew what he was talking about. He then began doubting my relationships with friends because of their lifestyle choices. 

He would try to convince me that they were bad influences on me “because they’re nothing but sluts” or “they’re trying to keep you away from me because they’re jealous of our relationship” he would say. 

Eventually I was convinced that he was right and that he was just looking out for my best interest, and I was soon socially isolated from my friends.

After a while, you get to a point where you feel like you can take it. You can't ever get used to or feel like you take the mental abuse though. The name calling, the control, being told what to wear. I remember pleading with my mum to help me "get him out of my head!" 

That was the first time I ever shared anything with her. She had no clue what was going on. I had hid it from everyone. Speaking up was the best thing I ever did, and I hope women reading this will do the same.

Debbie - 'I got off a plane after working and walked straight into hell'

I cannot believe I stayed so long in that environment, I had such a lucky escape. Yet in other ways, I still can't believe I got out, with no ties, what would have become of me if I didn't get out the way I did? 

I don't know where I went the two years I was with him. I completely lost my voice and my independent self. I got off a plane after working and travelling the other side of the world and walked straight into hell.

After the physical assault I googled domestic abuse. I felt sick. I read the warning signs and could relate to nearly all of them. It felt like someone was watching my relationship from afar and documented what was happening. 

You might be in denial and think all will be okay, but in reality, it won't. It's not all about one slap or one physical assault, it's a pattern of abuse and control that can lead to being seriously injured or in some cases, death.

If I had one wish it would be that every single person on the planet who is in any relationship, whether they think it's good or bad, Google the warning signs like I did, or look at the Women's Aid website and educate yourself. It was a dose of reality I wasn't expecting and is difficult for it to register and understand that that's what you've been experiencing.

Juliana - 'I thought this abuse might be how I was going to die'

I’m now completely open about my story and one question I get all the time is: ‘if you were getting abused why didn’t you leave?’. 

It’s a fair question if you haven’t been through it yourself but for me, I was completely manipulated into believing that I would be on my own forever if I left this person, that all my friends hated me and that I had no other support network other than my abuser. 

I had cut myself off from friends and family because of this relationship. The darkest thought I had was that I was going to marry this person, and this abuse might be how I was going to die, and I still stayed. So, that’s how brainwashed you are. I accepted it and I stayed.

Every time I put up a post about this, I get messages from women that I know and women that I don’t, telling me they’ve gone through the same thing. It’s so much more common than you’d think.

- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.