Mother's life on hold as she tackles child's crippling eating disorder

The mother of a teenager who suffers from an eating disorder has had to put her life on hold so that she can care for her child.

THE mother of a teenager who has an undiagnosed eating disorder says she feels trapped by her child’s illness because of the weight of responsibility on her.

The mother, speaking on condition of anonymity to protect her 16-year-old child who is non-binary and identifies as “they”, said they had used food as a comfort in their younger life.

But since 2020, the relationship with food has changed as body image became more important to the child and they did not want to put on weight.

They previously attempted suicide.

Now, the child is considered at risk of self-harm and suicide, putting a lot of pressure on the mother.

Their parents are separated and they live with their mum, who says she has to escort the child to and from school every day as a result, on public transport.

She says her life is on hold while she tries to keep her child safe, and she cannot get a job because she has to be flexible to be available to her child.

“I can’t go to a new employer and say I can’t work at these times because I need to be at home for meal support," she said.

A typical day for her is built around her child and she says she does not have a choice because she wants to make sure they are safe.

“I spend the whole evening making their meals, doing meal support, which entails me sitting with them while they eat, I lock the bathroom after every meal for at least an hour and have to stay in the same room as them during that time so that they don't have an opportunity to self induce vomit.” 

She says she has to keep her own bedroom door locked in case her child finds something there that they can use for self-harm or a suicide attempt.

She says she has to take full responsibility for getting her child’s meals, even though they are now 16 years old. 

She explains: “Given a choice, they just wouldn't eat if they could get away with it. This means that they eat breakfast before school. They eat all their other four meals between 5pm and 9/9.30pm. My whole evening, seven days a week revolves around making sure they eat.” 

She also says that when her child spends time with their dad, they won’t eat with him, meaning she has very little time off from caring for her child.

She feels a big weight of responsibility, pointing out: “I'm not a dietician, nutritionist, psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor or nurse, yet I've been left to come up with a meal plan, support my child through it, and try to monitor their exercise and the urge to purge alone.” 

This is because her child has not been able to get a diagnosis because they have not reached a certain body mass index.

She says: “My entire life has been put on hold. I can't work, I tried to do a part-time course, online, once a week for four hours but I couldn't even do that because my child is simply not going to eat if I'm not ensuring they do. I asked them directly. I had to resort to telling them that if they didn't stick to the meal plan that I had put in place that I would have to consider them living somewhere else temporarily. 

"You're talking about someone that when they are at their most distressed with food can't cope with food smells, their thoughts are so pervasive they think that if they inhale the smell of food they'll put on weight, by the magic of osmosis.” 

She explains that her child washes out their mouth after brushing their teeth in case any extra water droplets would make them gain weight.

And she says: “They won't use moisturiser because there are calories in it that will be absorbed by their skin. They try every trick in the book to get exercise in. They pace constantly to work off calories. They went on such an obsessive exercise binge last month they would sneak out of the house at 5am, while I was asleep to walk for a couple of hours and then be home before I woke up and just get ready for school as normal. That's not including the hundreds of push-ups they were doing because they were obsessing over their arms.” 

She says her child is now just six and a half stone.

"My existence revolves entirely around my child's eating disorder. It's been said to me 'oh well, that's what needs to be done now. It won't be forever', etc. Those comments don't help. In fact, they're very unhelpful and infuriating. I am going to do everything I can to help my child. Of course. I will not let the eating disorder win. But at what cost to me?” She believes there is a disconnect between medical and psychiatric services.

“The abject and demoralising loneliness of caring with someone with an eating disorder is indescribable.” 

• Support and helplines: Bodywhys Helpline: 01-2107906 Bodywhys E-mail Support Service: [e-mail] HSE Eating Disorder Self Care App: In March 2019 the HSE has launched the first Self Care App which provides valuable information for those with or people caring for someone with an eating disorder.