Domestic violence rarely ‘cured’ with just therapy

The Rape Crisis Network Ireland has said domestic violence is rarely "cured" by male counselling alone as it is such a complex issue.

Cliona Saidlear, RCNI director of policy, said that she was struck “at the amount of excuses, the distancing from the act and the lack of sympathy for the victim” when listening to a 2FM interview with a man convicted of hitting his wife.

She was speaking after a man convicted of domestic abuse went on radio to talk about why he believes greater psychological supports must be made available to men found guilty of violence towards women.

As the man recounted his own history, Ryan Tubridy honestly admitted to the man, known only as Chris, that he could not understand how any man could possibly inflict relentless pain on a woman.

“When a woman is bent down, cowering in the kitchen, saying ‘please stop doing this to me?’, how do you, as an intelligent articulate man, keep going?” he asked.

“If you did that to somebody I loved, my sister, my mother, my daughter, I swear to God, I’d personally call over and would have broken both of your legs, I’m not going to lie... I wouldn’t let you out the door... being honest”.

Chris was a married man of 23 living in the UK when he started hitting his then wife.

“The first time was just a major shock to her. I promised I’d never do it again but it came again, again and again. She stayed with me and looking back I cant work out why the hell she did.”

Often the violence followed periods when he was “agitated” or had “picked a fight for no particular reason”.

It was when his wife presented at hospital covered in bruises and with a potential broken bone that the police were called in.

Chris was convicted of domestic violence and put on 12 months probation.

It did not stop him though and he continued beating his wife until a probation officer recommended he receive cognitive behavioural therapy.

Therapy, he said, has taught him that childhood (he was beaten as a child) can play a role in men becoming violent towards women but that self esteem and self confidence were also major issues.

“It’s the inner you that you are meting out punishment to,” he said.

Chris described wife beaters as having two sides to their personality: They will initially defend their behaviour by saying the woman “made me do it” or they “brought it on” themselves.

But then this defensiveness is regularly followed by tears and shame and promises to the victim that they will never do it again.

“It’s very hard to say at the time, who is the real you,” he said.

Chris continued in therapy for two years but his marriage broke down halfway through. He said their divorce was unrelated to the violence in the home. He said he hasn’t hit a woman since claiming “therapy “gives you the tools to control your anger”.

His advice to any woman living in a violent relationship? “Get out” he said.