Mr Shatter, not Big Brother, is watching

“It’s Day Nine of this saga,” Fianna Fáil’s Niall Collins helpfully announced in the manner of the Big Brother voiceover guy for the benefit of everyone who had lost track of our own tortuous tale of seeming surveillance.

As usual, the Leinster Housemates were lounging around on their chairs seemingly spouting the first thing that came into their heads, when the GSOC bugging scandal pierced the bubble mentality of the Dáil.

Justice Minister Alan Shatter is once again up for eviction if the opposition make their charge stick that he mislead parliament, so all eyes were on him as he walked into the chamber, while Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin was denouncing him in Leader’s Questions.

It was a sort of saunter down the steps which made it difficult to decide if Mr Shatter was exuding an air of arrogance or humility, but with the rather unfortunate bouts of smirking that then followed, we recalled that the minister does not do humility.

And Mr Shatter had much to smirk about as the Taoiseach announced a “review” into the GSOC crisis — which, in many ways, is an inquiry into Mr Shatter’s fitness for office — which will have its terms of reference set by Mr Shatter (with help from the Attorney General) and then report to Mr Shatter on what Mr Shatter has, or has not, been getting up to.

This, despite the fact that GSOC is an independent body appointed by the President and which is overseen by the Oireachtas as a whole, not a particular minister.

Though everyone else has been predicting this U-turn for at least a week, the Government was once again caught by surprise by its own incompetence and unable to say exactly how the review would work.

Pushed to explain what it was, the government press secretary described it as an “investigation, stroke, inquiry, stroke, review”.

But most observers realised it was just a stroke, full stop. One intended to buy time in the hope the heat will have gone out of the row by the time the retired judge hauled in delivers a report in May after Labour ministers finally expressed Cabinet disquiet at Mr Shatter’s shambolic handling of the crisis — a feeling shared by many in Fine Gael.

It appears from what Mr Kenny said that the judge will be limited to reviewing documents only, Fianna Fáil’s Timmy Dooley wondered aloud if the role would be more suited to a librarian?

And as the review will not even be put on a statutory footing there is no compulsion for anyone to take part in it.

So, who know if we will find out why Mr Shatter failed to tell the Dáil that GSOC believed it had been bugged and had launched a public interest probe into gardaí they thought responsible — instead the minister railed against “baseless innuendo” directed at the force.

A highly self-serving, and rather whinny, statement to the Dáil last night saw Mr Shatter insist that a new probe he ordered found there was no evidence that GSOC has been put under surveillance — but the credibility crunch is we have heard that sort of thing from him before only for it to be contradicted by the commissioners.

Without a hint of irony, Mr Kenny said the climb- down on an independent review was due to the “confusion” surrounding the whole, strange, saga. Considering a bumbling Taoiseach was responsible for much of that confusion, it was quite a feat to pull off with a straight face, but it was also clear the pressure was getting to him.

But there will be no homage to the diary room, as the Taoiseach said: “This is not an inquiry for calling witnesses”, so the judge will not be able to interview Mr Shatter about what Mr Shatter knew about what Mr Shatter did, before handing the findings to Mr Shatter.

At the end of Big Brother, the voiceover guy declares: “Who goes? You decide!”

But with Mr Shatter’s future on the line, it would seem that you don’t decide — Mr Shatter does.