Mothers who lose a child to suicide are at risk themselves

Mothers who lose a child to suicide are at risk of suicide themselves and should be offered specialised support.

A study of bereaved mothers shatters long-held assumptions around grief, mainly that women are good at expressing their feelings and that the passing of time eases the feeling of loss.

It instead found that mothers carry huge guilt, believing they failed in their job to protect their child, and that they were often pre-occupied with feelings of wanting to be with their deceased child by taking their own lives.

Joan Sugrue, an addiction counsellor and family therapist, carried out the study as research for an MSc in bereavement studies from the Royal College of Surgeons of Ireland. Her findings will be presented at a psycho-therapy conference in Dublin on Friday.

Her interviews reveal heartbreaking levels of suffering and show mothers bereaved by suicide are less likely to seek help for themselves than those who lose a child to more natural causes.

One woman told of her agony in finding her dead son: “I just lay beside him and tried to hold his hand but rigor mortis had set in. I did not want to tell anyone as I did not want them to take him away from me.”

Another said: “Your son is locked in a freezer and you want to cover him up and warm him and get him to sing our songs from when he was a baby.”

Others said their sense of failure was exacerbated by the feeling that they were neglecting their other children. “It was not until one of his tears fell on my cheek that I woke up to the fact that my other son was crying every night of the week.”

Another said: “One of them said, ‘Ma what about us, you are putting all your love into him and he is dead’.”

The women told of trying to put a brave face on their grief while “screaming inside” and feeling they themselves wanted to die.

“I wanted to go and find my child and know he was OK. I drove to his grave and took tablets and waited for him to come and pick me up.

“I needed to mind him and the only way I could do this was to go to him. It was like I could not let go of the umbilical cord.”

Ms Sugrue said she wanted to explore the experiences of mothers because of the unique relationship between mother and child.

“As a mother and grandmother myself, I wanted to understand how it is for a mother when the life that began within her is taken because the child chooses to end it.”

She said further research should be carried out in the area to help shape support services for mothers bereaved by suicide.

“We need to do more work in terms of trying to ascertain exactly what their needs are and the things that are helpful to them.”

The conference, which marks the 21st birthday of the Irish Association of Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy, will also hear from researchers from the HSE and University College Dublin about projects using singing to assist Alzheimer’s patients and the value of art therapy to people who stutter.