Up to 20% of parents may suffer abuse by their children, conference hears

As many as one-in-five Irish couples may experience violence from their children, with the majority suffering in silence because of shame and guilt over their belief that they have failed as parents.

The figure for people parenting alone is likely to be even higher, at almost one in three, a conference on the emerging problem of child parental abuse heard.

Barbara McAllister of Bray Women’s Refuge, which hosted the conference, said over the past couple of years she had noticed more women seeking help because they were afraid to go home, not because of a violent spouse or partner, but because of a child.

“We’ve had cases where the child was as young as eight or nine up to adult children. The kind of behaviour we’re talking about is threats, breaking up the furniture, stealing from parents, screaming at them, physically attacking them, killing the cat — a whole range.

“It’s a hidden abuse, because parents are reluctant to talk about it. They feel they are failures as parents and they feel guilt and shame. They don’t want to report it to the police, because they don’t want their children to have a criminal record and they don’t feel they can approach a social worker, because it’s not the child who’s being abused,” said Ms McAllister.

The statistics quoted at the conference come mainly from the US, but Declan Coogan, a lecturer in social work at NUI Galway who is researching the subject, said: “I imagine it would be similar here.”

The problem was underlined by Parentline, the charity that supports parents under stress, which said it had recorded a 22% increase in calls to its helpline relating specifically to anger and aggression, including physical violence, by children against their parents between 2010 and 2011.

Mr Coogan said gardaí, social workers, and healthcare staff should start formally recording incidents as “child-to-parent violence” so that the problem was recognised and its scale acknowledged.

“Where child to parent violence is recorded, it tends to be categorised as family conflict, which covers a myriad of different situations. It’s a bit like where domestic violence was 20 years ago. It was happening, but nobody was talking about it.”

Child-to-parent violence is defined as relating to children aged 10 to 18 and Mr Coogan said it was important to differentiate it from normal, difficult teenage behaviour.

Any parent needing help was advised to contact Parentline, a social worker or the gardaí.

* Parentline can be reached at lo-call 1890 927277, Monday to Thursday, 10am to 9.30pm; Friday, 10am to 4.30pm; www.parentline.ie