S’up Enda? Were you really going to steal the Show

DOES Enda really want to go down in history as the Taoiseach who stole Christmas?

The Government’s self-generated confusion over Mr Kenny’s mysterious state of the nation TV (non?) appearance looks worryingly like his spin-flunkies have been taking notes from that PR tome: The Cowenesque Guide To Communications — How To Balls It All Up And Annoy Everyone At The Same Time.

Not content with terrifying lone parents and menacing dole victims in the run-up to the bloodbath Budget, Enda’s spectre was allowed to threaten to wreck the very last thing the nation has to look forward to — The Late Late Toy Show.

The idea of a state of the nation broadcast was first peddled as a panic measure to try and deflect attention from Gay Mitchell’s humiliating showing in the presidential election, and has been bouncing around unloved and unwanted ever since.

At one point, it looked as if the depress-fest could be sneaked in just before the Toy Show. Though still possible, it seems such a calamity has now been avoided, so we will at least be saved the horror of Enda trying to get down with the kids and presenting the broadcast in the style of the missing, older, Jedward triplet: “S’up voters! S’up Santa! The Budget’s gonna be, like, really uncool, my bad...”

Cowen’s spin-monkeys were always floating the idea of a state of the nation address that never materialised as the nation sunk into such a state that he was clearly too embarrassed to even talk about it.

Indeed, the only thing anyone remembers Cowen actually saying in his two-and-a-half years as Taoiseach was when he was forced to deny being drunk on the radio. Hardly the Gettysburg Address, but strangely fitting for the era.

And can you think of anything memorable Enda has said as Taoiseach? No, “Paddy likes to know what the story is”, doesn’t count, because A) It’s just too cringe-worthy to think about, and B) Technically, he was Taoiseach-elect at the time.

And we can also rule out such Fine Gael classics as “We will burn the bond-holders”, “Not another cent for Anglo” and “Our first priority is a jobs budget”, as they all have to be filed under the heading: “Election Lies To Try And Get An Overall Majority,” rather than “Great Sayings of the Year.”

So, Enda may, or may not address the nation at some point, some time, but then I suppose it takes a while to translate the scripts given to him by the Government’s puppet masters in Berlin from German into English.

Indeed, Enda is a bit like Angela Merkel’s very own Buzz Lightyear toy, constantly parroting her favourite catchphrase: “To austerity and beyond!” Maybe that’s why his spin flunkies now try and shut down every press conference with the Taoiseach after just two questions — they fear his batteries might give out.

However, the grim fact remains that if Enda and his handlers can’t even decide whether he should go on TV or not, one does not hold out much hope of them dealing with the crisis of half a million unemployed people anytime soon.

S’up Enda?