Twelve Days of Christmas bring gifts of cold comfort

WHILE every year people may dream of a white Christmas, this year’s deluge of snow has meant that instead of decking the halls with boughs of holly we have been injecting the walls with bales of insulation.

The cold snap (when does it become a severe breakage? — the only snap in recent days has been of ankles and wrists) has meant that instead of flocking to the shops for presents for our loved ones, many are preoccupied with stocking up with soup, winter woollies and — for those willing to venture beyond the nearest corner shop — snow chains and crampons.

At least one Halfords store on the island ran out of snow-chains in recent days and the rest were stretched to breaking point in their attempts to keep up with the surge in demand.

Businessman Tony O’Brien could not have timed the invention of his Stopcock Cosy better.

The simple device gives a warm hug to the stopcock, the bit of plumbing linking the public water mains to the house, and ensures that the freezing weather, even temperatures as low as -20C will not dry up supply to the home.

Below the words of the festive carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas, have been given an overhaul to reflect the effects of the near Arctic conditions on our holiday mood:

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... dry line insulation she got on the cheap. On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me ... two snow crampons and dry line insulation she got on the cheap.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me ... three tins of de-icer, two snow crampons and dry line insulation she got on the cheap.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ... four snow chains for my Panda, three tins of de-icer, two snow crampons and dry line insulation she got on the cheap.

On the fifth day of Christmas I prayed for a PS3 ... but got a burst pipe and a sprained wrist from lifting the bloody tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas the plumber gave to me ... a bill for my pipework and a promise to come back next week.

On the seventh day of Christmas hot-whiskey gave to me ... a warm buzz and sensation back in my knees.

On the eighth day of Christmas the hangover was quite mean ... and still no sign of the longed-for PS3.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ... the news the in-laws are now staying for the week.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my true-love gave to me ... the dog house for my comments ‘bout her family.

On the eleventh day of Christmas when I thought the ice had thawed, I found myself on a trolley in A&E.

On the twelfth day of Christmas thank god it’s almost done, midnight mass and then home to play on old PS1!