Pillow Case Coup collapses

AS Enda Kenny emerged into the glorious June sunshine to claim victory, Richard Bruton momentarily hesitated in the shadows before joining the tailspin of the human swirl engulfing the man who had just crushed him.

It was the same hesitation that had cost Mr Bruton the heave after his masterclass in how not to do a coup.

The party pretended it could move on as if nothing had happened and, as if to prove the point, the ballot papers used in the confidence vote had been immediately shredded – but unfortunately for Fine Gael, that’s also exactly what Mr Bruton had tried to do to Enda’s reputation, especially regarding the economy.

Mr Bruton was forced forward to the front of the parliamentary crowd by the demands of photographers after Enda’s magnanimous and self-effacing victory statement, and the two men shared an awkward-looking moment in front of the cameras as Richard’s dreams of glory exploded in front of his eyes along with the flash bulbs.

The pain of losing was all too clearly etched on Mr Bruton’s face, but he managed to hold things together tightly enough – especially considering this was almost the very spot when emotions had caused him to sob openly on the night his brother John had been toppled in 2001.

Richard had banked on mild-mannered Enda playing by the rules, but Mr Kenny shocked everyone by ripping-up the rule book and ripping the shadow cabinet coup apart.

From the moment he sacked the slow motion mutineer on Monday to the instant he sat down to an almost unanimous standing ovation at the end of the confidence motion he had forced, Mr Kenny had the whip hand.

The pro-leadership faction sensed victory was assured half-way through the five-hour meeting, which Mr Kenny both opened and closed, his final address proved the pivotal moment unleashing “waves of emotion” to flow towards him, he claimed.

And there were certainly tears on both sides. Brutonite Senator Paschal Donohoe was said to be particularly overcome – and not with frustration that his man had a mere four minutes to speak compared to Enda’s 50.

Enda had bounded out in bullish mood as the meeting briefly broke after three hours for a Dáil vote: “When I speak I’m going to blow the roof off!” he announced in that strange faux Las Vegas-esque voice he adopts whenever he’s over excited.

It was a brief moment of insight for the press pack who were staking-out the plinth at the front of Leinster House, circling and huddling with each other and any passing Government or Labour TDs – all trying to second guess what was happening in the closed showdown.

For the political nerds gathered this was our World Cup, the constant whir of predictions becoming the annoying, ever-present equivalent of the dreaded vuvuzela horn.

Fence-sitting forecast of the day went to the sage who confidently predicted: “Enda is ahead by nine – but 12 of his votes are soft...” allowing the visionary to claim to have called it correctly either way.

In Le Coup de Monde terms the Blueshirt battle most resembled a penalty shoot-out between North and South Korea. Historically the same, but Richard was by far the most economically advanced with the dynamic young team, while Enda could claim a strange Dear Leader cult of personality status, especially among the older and more rural elements of the party – and he had certainly gone nuclear in the past week, liquidating his opposition in a show of political ruthlessness even Kim Jong Il would admire.

Kim reportedly had his finance minister killed by firing squad when he displeased him, thankfully, Enda stopped at just having his would-be finance minister fired from the top squad.

Labour were even more delighted with the result than Fianna Fáil, calculating it meant more anti-Government votes will slide their way.

Richard promised no more heaves, but some of his ambitious henchmen kept their counsel, knowing that any upsurge in the polls for King Kenny after his surprising show of strength may prove short lived, especially if his new front bench looks like a distinctly second-rate shadow cabinet team.

Richard’s rebellion began with a bizarre call to arms when he answered the question would he make a better leader than Kenny with the statement: “Yes. In my pillow I have those sorts of views.”

Any future plotters can only learn from the glaring mistakes and miscalculations of the Pillow Case Coup and what happened to its laconic leader.

Now Mr Bruton’s hubris and hesitation have seen him reduced to silence in the shadows – lost in a broken dream.