Dáil teams up for rare show of unity

FRANCE may have seen the hand of God, but the Dáil detected nothing less than the hand of the devil himself.

Thierry Henry’s momentary conjoining of soccer and basketball had repercussions far beyond the Stade de France stadium as the Oireachtas went on the warpath.

For once, Dáil deputies spoke for the nation and would have voted unanimously to dispatch a gunboat to Boulogne – if only we could afford one.

Dermot Ahern was first off the touchline demanding a replay, though the Justice Minister stopped just short of seeking Mr Henry’s extradition for crimes against humility.

The issue eclipsed the looming national strike to dominate Dáil proceedings as Labour leader Eamon Gilmore delivered the most stinging line of the day: “Referee Martin Hansson might have a future as a banking regulator, turning the blind eye and deaf ear to complaints – he has many of the qualities we have seen in this country.”

Dáil referee, the Ceann Comhairle, was certainly fairer than Hansson, but struggled to control the flow of the game once Fine Gael’s Alan Shatter made it clear he would not leave the political football alone.

The FG frontbencher-turned-tenacious toe-punter was fuming at FIFA, or that “deeply suspect” organisation, as if it was the North Korean secret police.

“The deputy is straying somewhat from legislation or business,” the ref politely advised.

But Shatter was just warming-up and soon began banging them into the open goal of moral outrage, demanding an emergency meeting of EU sports ministers for good measure.

“Could we leave it now?” the Ceann Comhairle pleaded.

But there goes Shatter down the right wing again insisting on direct Government intervention.

“The deputy has had a good innings and I must move on,” the Ceann Comhairle again implored, clearly getting confused with cricket in his distress.

The Ceann Comhairle’s control of the situation was now as shaky as Paul McShane’s attempts to stay on his feet in a tackle, as Foreign Minister Micheál Martin came out of nowhere all guns blazing when challenged to raise the matter with his counterpart in Paris, Bernard Kouchner.

After announcing with a feisty flourish that he’d “had his porridge”, Mr Martin appeared to be relishing the prospect of the man-on-man showdown ahead: “The deputy is calling for strong-arm diplomatic tactics,” he heckled excitedly from the Government benches before performing a mock GAA elbowing action. Then, unleashing decades of pent-up Cork anger, he delivered a thinly veiled warning to the cheating French types, announcing that: “Everyone knows what Kerry did to us over the years, but I will take the matter up with Mr Bernard Kouchner.”

With this the Ceann Comhairle finally snapped and tried to stamp his authority back on proceedings: “I ask the Minister for Foreign Affairs to restrain himself,” he demanded.

Of course, it would have been bad form for anyone to mention the fact that Maradona is still a hero in Ireland for knocking England out of the 1986 World Cup in similar fashion, as no one wanted to dent this rare moment of national unity.

A Labour wag rationalised the whole affair nicely: “Henry is just a typical Frenchman – he can’t keep his hands to himself.”

Ouch!