Brians go bananas in pyjamas as bankers cash in
Right, Mary, the boss is in Paris, you’re doing Leaders’ Questions and it’s your big chance to prove you really do have a grip on this brief after all. Remember, the EU are enraged with us over the €400bn bailout stunt, British Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s not talking to us and the markets don’t need any more rocking from us, so just avoid saying anything alarmist, ok?
What the Tánaiste meant to say: “blah, blah, blah, stability, blah, blah, blah, responsibility...”
What the Tánaiste actually said: “Oh! My! God! The whole Irish banking system was about to collapse yesterday if we hadn’t done what we did! We’d have been doomed! doomed! Er, I mean, I don’t know, wait until Finance Minister Brian Lenihan turns up and he’ll answer your questions. Where’s Brian? Where’s Brian?” Well, that’s pretty much a word-for-word summation of her comments.
Intriguingly, Ms Coughlan said the finance minister would respond to opposition demands for clarification “to the best of his abilities” — a phrase that could be taken in a number of ways, as his ability to handle the most toxic department in government as the nation slides into recession has been called into question almost as much as the Tánaiste’s ability to get through a week without an incident denting her already pummelled reputation.
It’s a shame the British PM is in such a huff about Dublin pulling the rug out from under his desperate bid to keep British banking afloat, otherwise he could have repeated his warning of two weeks ago that “this is no time for a novice” — Gordon meant the jibe for his Tory counterpart, but, unfortunately, it would have a double impact in Ireland.
At least Brian looked refreshed when he cleaned-up, sorry, turned-up after Ms Coughlan had finished.
But the crisis and late nights appeared to have taken their toll on him when he declared: “I seem to have had a sex change.” Luckily, he hadn’t and was in fact joking after Fine Gael’s Lucinda Creighton accidentally referred to him as Tánaiste.
It had been a fierce late one for the Finance Minister the night before as he and Taoiseach Brian Cowen stayed up until 4.30am desperately trying to get the bankers to agree.
You can just imagine the scene, Brian and Brian rubbing their eyes with the moon glinting over Government Buildings as the bankers were rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of being given a licence to be reckless at the taxpayers’ expense.
Poor Brian and Brian, the Bananas in Pyjamas — well they were certainly going bananas when they should have been in their pyjamas, anyway.
At least the Taoiseach did not have to face the aftermath of his wild gamble to shore-up the economy in the Dáil as he was busy making his monthly trip to get told off in Europe.
Of course, it was all smiles for the summit photo call, with the French president even offering to “make a gift of himself” to the Irish people — let’s hope he clears that one with Carla first — but as Paris, London and Brussels bridled at the prospect of their cash flowing into the newly gold-plated Irish banks, we can be sure things were decidedly more chilly inside the meeting.
“Ah, petit monsieur Biffo,” EU president Nicolas Sarkozy no doubt snarled by way of a greeting. “Back in the headmaster’s office again, I see? And what have you done this time? Swearing? Failing to rig the class elections like we asked? Non! Taking money from the little people to give to the bankers! Merde! Even we have not been that devious — yet!”
Slap-happy after so many Euro lectures the Taoiseach finally snaps back: “I don’t care Pierre! I met Bono last week and he thinks I’m fecking great, so you can stuff your poxy pan-European financial stabilisation objectives up your Elysee, buddy.”
There was similar rumpus in the Dáil, where Fine Gael’s Michael Ring was in the middle of one of his instant explosions, demanding all bankers be jailed and bearing down on the Green’s Paul Gogarty for suggesting the blueshirt stuffed cash under his mattress.
Deputy Gogarty looked bemused by the onslaught, but then, to be fair, Deputy Gogarty always looks bemused.
Speaking of the bemused, the Tánaiste could do well to heed the words of Ronald Reagan: “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency — even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.”
