All in a day’s work for the hole in the wall gang

HOME decor is a chore at the best of times but keeping up with the Callelys is a monumental task.

Beyond the hall door of Leinster House, Ivor Callely’s foray into DIY - Delegate It Yourself - was causing a dilemma for the interior designers of the Dáil chamber.

A gaping hole had appeared in the wall of TDs surrounding Taoiseach Bertie Ahern as if an overenthusiastic renovator had misdirected a wrecking ball and created a crater where Ivor used to sit.

There were attempts to paper over it with an extended Budget speech, polyfilla it with figures and statistics and hang a picture of contentment to conceal the offending spot.

Like visitors pretending they hadn’t noticed the damp odour of fresh wallpaper paste, the opposition averted their eyes and didn’t mention a thing.

Prosperity, infrastructure development, economic success, capital spending, blah blah. Brian Cowen, painter and decorator extraordinaire, was transforming a ruin of a day into a comfortable bolt hole with the speed of a TV crew on a makeover mission.

But then the plaster bubbled up and the picture slid crookedly askew.

Brian began reminding the nation of the Government’s fabulous achievements in transport.

It was all too irresistible.

“Have you got a junior transport minister?” enquired the Green Party’s Eamon Ryan.

The bold Brian refused to be unnerved and continued dishing out the goods.

The hole in the wall had been exposed, however.

The opposition recovered their sense of mischief and began ripping at the frayed ends.

Welfare increases were greeted with groans, the childcare package was dismissed as paltry and taxation changes got short shrift. Other holes appeared in Brian’s speech.

He said details of health, education, environment and finance initiatives would be revealed in the coming weeks. Details such as the cost, the Greens’ Dan Boyle ventured.

Possibly taking his cue from Ivor Callely’s dealings with his construction company contacts, Brian seemed to have decided it would be impolite to discuss the bill.

His opposite number in the Fine Gael bench was clear who would pick up the tab, however. The minister was doling out money, said Richard Bruton, but it was taxpayers’ money.

Do not be fooled, he warned. This is an attempt to buy the next election and do it with your own money. Irish people had lost trust with the Government and giving them back their own money was not going to win them over.

The taxpayer, he said, was tired of papering over the cracks of coalition.

It was just one day in the Dáil, but it could lead to a lifetime in Woodies.