Lucky Richard has access to son and former partner is a pal
He and ex-partner Jarlath share the rearing of four-year-old son Jack and, although he lives with his mother, Jack's father is only a stone's throw away from the boy's home in Montenotte, Cork, and he often comes to babysit or to put him to bed.
"I have access all the time when I want to see him. It has never been an issue between us."
Luckily for Jack, both parents have remained good friends.
"We always talk around any problems we might have and manage to sort things out. So many kids are used as pawns in relationships and generally the dads lose out, but in my case it is not a problem."
Richard had just come back from Jarlath's house. "She was out shopping and I babysat. It's her dad's birthday tomorrow and I will babysit tomorrow night as well and look after Jack and put him to bed." Richard and Jarlath often meet for a drink and also take Jack out together in the afternoons. Next September he will be going to primary school and the choice of school will be a joint decision. "We will both pick the school. Why should it be any different just because we have split? I think people should ask a bit more what their kid wants and do it for them. That is the way it should be. It is not the job of a solicitor or judge to be making decisions about my child. He is a lovely, happy kid and loves his dad and mum."
Richard, who is English, lived with Jarlath in London and they decided to come to Jarlath's hometown of Cork two years ago. Although they have parted, there is rarely a cross word between them. "I always got on well with Jarlath's parents as well. My parents get on well with them, too, and they stay with Jarlath when they come here on holiday to see Jack. It is all very amicable."
That is in stark contrast to the acrimony that arose during a previous relationship. The situation became so fraught that it prevented Richard from seeing his daughter from that union. "She is 18 now and I don't get to see her at all. Her mum was strange and made life very difficult. We tried living together and we did not get on at all. I was very young at the time and I made sure there would be no mistakes with Jack."
Richard intends staying in Ireland. "I could not see myself not being a part of Jack's life and Jarlath feels the same."
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Paul Anderson of Forever Fathers in Co Donegal can be contacted at 074 9132438.
Treoir, the National Information centre for Unmarried Parents, has produced a number of booklets. Their address is 14 Gandon House, Custom House Square, IFSC, Dublin 1. Tel. 01-6700120.
Amen, the organisation concerned with fathers' rights, can be contacted at St. Anne's Resource Centre, Railway Street, Navan Co. Meath. 046 9023718 or 086 6013448.
RAY'S STORY (assumed name)
"I have five boys ranging in age from eight to 18 years. I have just seen them for the first time in 15 months. The separation from my wife was very acrimonious.
I am a medical doctor and I thought things were going well. We bought a farm in 1998 and it demanded a lot of work. I was working all the hours God sent me and that led to strains in family relationships.
My wife wanted out of the marriage. She said I was too controlling. It took me by surprise. She would not go to mediation and wanted to take the legal route.
When things got bad I felt like a pariah in my own home. I was accused of being violent. I did slap my boys now and then but it reads so much worse on paper. Even if it is only slapping, it is still domestic violence.
What happens then is that the health board will say that concern for the children is paramount and you are snuffed. My wife applied for a barring order and was granted a protection order. The judge asked me to leave the home in the interest of harmony.
My wife insisted on supervised access to the children. My solicitor said: 'Your wife is female, the social worker is female, the child psychologist is female, her solicitor is female and you are unlucky that the judge is female.'
I was in court 22 times. One judge barred me from telephoning my children. I couldn't visit them in school, I could not see them play a game of football. I appealed that and won.
On the economic side of things, the only winners were the lawyers. When we sold the farm, the valuers got a share, the lawyers got 50% of it and I got nothing.
Access is a horrible word. It is useless to me. When people talk about access they don't understand what it means.
I get to see my children for all of two hours a fortnight. That's 48 hours a year. How can you be a parent in those circumstances? Parenting needs to be ongoing, every day.
I had a happy childhood but this is not something that my children will ever have."
"I AM a single parent of five children. I have four girls and a boy. My children's ages range from 11 to 14, the eldest girls being twins. I consider myself extremely lucky to have my children living with me as I could not contemplate any other situation.
When I started out as a single parent, I had the support of my mother. She helped me to fight for the custody of my children against the health board and my wife.
My wife was an extremely violent woman. She deserted me and the children when the twins were five-and-a-half and the youngest was 18 months. For a time she saw the children under supervised access but she has chosen not to see them since 1999.
Despite the fact that I was left to rear the children on my own a court ordered that I pay maintenance to my wife. Would this have happened to a lone mother in similar circumstances?
My mother had recurrent cancer. She became seriously ill in early 2003 and spent five months in hospital. When she came home from hospital I quit my job as an engineer to look after her and the children.
Unfortunately my beloved mother died on Good Friday of this year. For nine years Mum was effectively my children's mother.
As a single male parent, I have experienced gender discrimination from the authorities and society. Let me give you an example:
In the last few weeks one of my daughters was in hospital having a minor operation. When it was discovered that I was a single male parent the medical social worker approached me. She insisted that I needed help in the home.
I thanked her for her concern but I tried to assure her that it was not needed. When I left, the social worker returned to my daughter and said to her, 'Can your Dad cook and does he keep the house clean?' If I were a woman, would this question be asked?
Because I had to give up my work as a consultant mechanical engineer money is not too plentiful. However, my children neither consider themselves rich or poor - just normal. At present I am on lone parent's allowance and we are living below the official poverty line.
But we do have a black rabbit, a cat, my late mother's dog, two budgies and a cockatiel - so, we are rich in many ways."
"I am the father of three teenagers and I now have sole custody of the children but for years I was locked out of my own home by my wife, who was mentally ill.
I got a lot of hassle from the social services. I have a shaved head, tattoos and look rough but deep down I'm a nice guy. I used to be removed from the house because I looked like a hard man whereas my wife was educated.
At one stage I was unable to see the children for 11 months.
Eventually my wife left the family home because her illness made her unable to look after the children. I moved back in and took on the parenting role.
I remember one evening I was giving my son his dinner and the guards arrived. They said they had got a phone call to say that I was not looking after my son.
My son was standing there. They quizzed him. He was a boxer and a runner and an Irish champion so he could not have reached that level if he wasn't being fed properly.
My saving grace came in the form of a social welfare worker who recognised that I was a good father. My son and daughters are fine today. We all are."
ALL mothers in Ireland, irrespective of whether they are married or unmarried, have automatic guardianship status in relation to their children, unless they give the child up for adoption.
Even though a father's name may be registered on the child's birth certificate, this does not give him any guardianship rights in respect of his child. However, a father who is married to the mother of his child is granted automatic guardianship rights by virtue of the marriage. This applies even if the couple married after the birth of the child.
The rights of parents to guardianship are set down in Section 6 of the Guardianship of Infants Act, 1964. Guardianship rights entitle a parent to make important decisions regarding that child's upbringing; for example, deciding on the child's religion, education, medical treatment and where he/she lives. A father who is guardian also has a say in applying for a child's passport.
The Children Act 1997, which amended the 1964 Act, makes it clear that custody can be granted jointly to the mother and father.
It is also now possible for a father who has not married the mother of his child to acquire guardianship rights by agreement with the mother without going to court. If the mother agrees for him to be legally appointed guardian, they must sign a joint statutory declaration before a Peace Commissioner or a Commissioner for Oaths.
If the mother does not agree for him to have guardianship, the father may apply for this status to the district court. However, he may be removed as guardian at a future date if the court is satisfied it is in the child's best interest.
The only way a mother can give up her guardianship rights in Ireland is if the child is placed for adoption.
Married parents of a child are joint guardians and have equal rights in relation to the child.
Cohabiting couples do not have the benefit of the Family Home Protection Act 1976, which applies only to married couples. This means that property owned by one partner and being used as a family home can be sold without the consent of the other partner.
UNDER the Convention, children are defined as all persons under 18 years of age.
The state has an obligation to translate the rights of the convention into reality. Here are some of the relevant articles which Ireland has signed up to:
: All actions concerning the child should take full account of his or her best interests. The state is to provide adequate care when parents or others with responsibility fail to do so.
: The child has the right to live with his or her parents unless it is deemed incompatible with his or her best interests; the child has the right to maintain contact with both parents if separated from one or both.
: The state has an obligation to foster and enable family reunification where children and parents live in separate countries; the child whose parents live in a different state has the right to maintain personal relations and direct contact with both parents.
: The child has the right to express an opinion, and to have that opinion taken into account, in any matter or procedure affecting the child, in accordance with his or her age and maturity.
: The state has an obligation to recognise and promote the principle that both parents have common responsibilities for the upbringing and development of the child; the state shall support parents in this task through the provision of appropriate assistance.
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