Conga Enda sends them home sweatin’

THE true test of a would-be Taoiseach’s credentials are not his aptitude at leading the country but his ability to lead a conga-line on the dance floor.

In this regard, Enda Kenny proved himself to be in a league of his own in the early hours of yesterday morning.

With a brigade of Blueshirts trailing behind him, Conga Enda slalomed his way around the hall to the dulcet jive of the Marble City Sound band as he celebrated turning 53 with a youthful vigour belying his years.

Doubtless in appreciation of his conga dancing abilities, the Fine Guys and Gals then hoisted their Messiah up on to their shoulders like an All-Ireland final winning captain as the packed crowd chanted “Ennnndaaaa, Ennnndaaaa, Ennnndaaaa” and threw their arms up in unison reminiscent of their original Blueshirt ancestors.

Wrapping up the proceedings for the night, Conga Enda took to the stage to tell the crowd that it was the largest birthday party that had ever been thrown on his behalf and that neither had he ever been at a Fine Gael branch meeting this big. “Fine Gael are back,” he proclaimed to tumultuous applause.

Unfortunately if you ask a Fine Gaeler in attendance to recount these scenes you’re likely to get a blank response and a claim of a lack of memory. It’s not because they won’t be able to remember in the Fianna Fáil sense, you understand, more it was all an alcohol-induced haze at that stage.

Elected fellahs who should know better were eyeing up young wans in mini-skirts and councillors were throwing out classy chat-up lines like: “there’s nothing sexier than a young woman who’s passionate about Fine Gael.”

Vomit-inducing stuff even without a drop of hard liquor on board.

By this stage of the night, whoever had kidnapped Simon Coveney earlier in the evening had returned the genuine article, who was graciously posing for photographs with a gaggle of female admirers.

In the absence of the mild-mannered Merchant Prince from Cork, known and loved by all, the introductory warm-up speech for the leader’s address was delivered by a Coveney Clone boiling over with passion and enthusiasm. Gone was the customary Sincere and Sympathetic Simon to be replaced by Savage Simon. Gone also was the usual “umm... umm... ehhh... errr...” so often interspersing his public speaking dialect and in its place was a direct and hard-hitting speech before the live TV cameras.

“This is a populist government that stands for nothing but self-preservation. The people want change and they say to Fine Gael: ‘get them out,’” he bellowed.

Seemingly taken aback himself for a second by his own commanding powers of persuasion, Savage Simon rallied again to roar the battle-cry: “get them out.” Settling down for a minute then, the Munster European elections candidate went on to hail the boss as a man of strong values, courage and optimism before giving it one last lash.

“Rise to your feet now and welcome Enda Kenny,” he implored the party faithful at the top of his voice.

While Candidate Coveney did spend a solid block of time during the day practising his speech, he resorted to rugby parlance to explain his moment of glory.

Supporters suggested that he was obviously inspired by the exploits of the Munster team on the eve of the massive game, but Savage Simon said that getting the two minutes on live TV was like getting the ball five yards from the try line at Cork Con and you just had to go for it with all your might.

A few more performances like that showing a passion for Europe over the coming two months and he’ll be crossing the line in the elections on June 11.

Before the appearance of Savage Simon, the surprise package of the night was thought to be the appearance of the Artane Boys Band, who marched in to play a 15-minute medley of favourites, including Lord of the Dance, presumably in honour of Conga Enda.

The last time the Blueshirts brought in an outside act to entertain the crowd was Twink’s infamous “Úna gan a gúna” performance in the early ’90s. Fortunately the Artane Boys Band played it straight and were far more politically correct guests in keeping with the party’s traditions.

Equally heated as Savage Simon was the party leader, yet for different reasons, though, as the air conditioning was turned off in the Citywest Hotel during his speech. About 10 minutes into his well-delivered address, the beads of sweat began to appear upon the Mayo man’s brow under the intense heat of the lights in the crowded centre.

Clutching a handkerchief in his left hand to wipe away the perspiration soaking into his shirt collar, he carried on regardless to garner rapturous applause at various stages. To round it all off, when the cameras stopped rolling, his Blueshirt buddies gave him a birthday cake and he blew out the candles with the assistance of his wife Fionnuala O’Kelly.

Conga Enda certainly sent them home sweatin’ and ready for the election road ahead.