Pay attention now children, Dáil Éireann is about to begin

FAILING to hit home with their accusation that the Taoiseach was a drug pusher, the Green Party resorted to sticking tongues out at Bertie Ahern yesterday.

Bored at hearing the Taoiseach drone out the same answer he has been producing for the last week on the expected return of third-level fees, Paul Gogarty expressed his dissatisfaction by projecting his tongue at the Taoiseach.

Appalled at the infantile behaviour, FF backbencher and class prefect John Cregan called for the young pup to be sent outside the door.

“That is disgraceful. You should be put of the house,” he said.

Undeterred by the face-pulling, the Taoiseach then engaged in a face-saving exercise, by defending his Government’s record on education. “When last in Government, the parties opposite spent a lousy 0.5 million on disadvantaged education but we are now spending 26 million,” he responded to his critics.

Meanwhile, the enemy of the middle classes Noel Dempsey, afraid of being bullied by the PDs, went back to school, joining the children in the Central Model School to read some stories.

Used to living in a fairytale land where everything can be made perfect with the click of his magic fingers, Mr Dempsey looked right at home reading the myths, including a new tale with a twist:

“Once upon a time there was an idealistic boy named Noel, who went off on a solo run into dark woods filled with fruitful trees. But when little Noel tried to pick the fruit and cut the luscious trees back to give some sunlight to the saplings, Mary the Forest Warden set her Rottweiler on him and he was gobbled up whole. And the Pedigree Dogs lived happily ever after. The End.”

Bring back fees now. Charge them to the kids attending classes in the Leinster House University of Half-Life.

God knows they have the money, and the taxpayer certainly isn’t getting value for the expenditure.

Though the current denizens of Dáil Éireann may claim to sympathise with the plight of Ireland’s third-level students, they actually have more in common with the kids in senior infants classes.