Third generation BMW X6 is motoring Marmite

Declan Colley is someone who could drool unashamedly in relation to the performance aspects of the BMW X6 and its sublime driveability, but wouldn't like to be seen in one

The BMW X6 is decent enough looking from the front point of view; although the massive new illuminated ‘iconic glow’ grille is rather brash. 
 

I’ve categorically said on many occasions previously — and time has not dimmed my opinion — that I dislike the whole idea of a coupe-styled SUV.

I know that some people are inured — or appear to be, at least — to the yucky look of these things, but there is something terminally gross, I feel, about hulking big crossovers being styled in the manner of a beast with sporty ideas about itself.

Now I will clarify the above by saying that in my experience of these things — and it is long — I have rarely found anything at all wrong with the genre as a driving prospect; it is the mere thought of having to look at one in my driveway on a daily basis that brings on the dreads. I do not genuinely think I could stomach it.

These, of course, are personal matters and in the general subject of taste I would not claim mine to be completely flawless. But, as I have often opined, one man’s meat is another man’s murder and the subjectivity that comes with the territory of critiquing anything — from music, to clothing, to film or even to cars — is something the readership simply has to live with.

I know there are those people who would pine piteously to get their hands on a machine such as this week’s tester — the BMW X6 — but I am afraid I am not one of them. 

I am someone who could drool unashamedly in relation to the performance aspects of the car and its sublime driveability, but ask me to be seen dead in one and I am afraid the answer is ‘no’. 

Opinions are, of course, a major part of life’s rich pageant and have to be accepted as such. Like many trenchant souls embedded into opinions on all manner of things, there is always an equally committed other side to the story and, in the case of the X6, that amounts to a total of 450,000 of them.

That is the combined number of people who since its launch in 2008, according to BMW itself, who have gone out and spent their dosh on buying a version of the built-in-America X6, the third generation of which we test this week.

In one respect you could assert that 450,000 people adds up to a lot of folk with a serious taste issue; the corollary, of course, is that each and every one of them think such an opinion is Neanderthal because it does not factor-in their need to stand out from the crowd. 

That prerequisite is fulfilled by buying a car which commits many stylistic crimes and which is so gross, you cannot help but fall over yourself when one passes by, simply as you try to assess the awfulness of the thing.

Decent enough looking from the front point of view (although the massive new — get this — illuminated ‘iconic glow’ grille is not only redolent of the brashness the Americans love and the chintziness adored by the Chinese, but also underlines the ‘look-at-me’ nature of the design), things get ugly once you get past the A-Pillar.

At the rear The X6 has twin exhausts, a dramatic diffuser and the giant air scoops behind either rear wheel.

The heavily sloped roofline swoops into a rear hatch which is not only massive, but has all the aesthetic credibility of a Belgian Blue’s ass. Twin exhausts, a dramatic diffuser and the giant air scoops behind either rear wheel, set a tone which could only delight a narcissist bent on attracting attention to themselves.

Man, it’s ugly. But there is an upside.

This thing drives like an automotive God and it is also a very practical beast because its vastness allows for a level of spaciousness which you only get in cars like, er, a massive SUV.

BMW says that the majority of owners (a lot of whom come from — you guessed it — America and China) are from a more rural environment than those who buy the suburbanite X5 and many of them are either empty-nesters or divorced.

I suspect a lot of them are also golfers (check the huge boot and take a guess at how many sets of clubs you’d get in there) and people who have a lot of time on their hands to criss-cross the motorways of Ireland/the UK/Europe/America/China (tick whichever is appropriate) in what is a truly awesome mile-munching machine.

The need for such a thing in lil’ ol’ Ireland is questionable simply on the basis that there few genuine road trips or adventures open to us, but that has not put off the 14 hardy souls (according to official figures) who have purchased an X6 here this year.

Rampant ugliness apart, what these people have got is a fantastic — but not cheap — piece of kit to drive. It is powered by a three-litre straight six turbodiesel which is allied to an eight-speed auto ‘box and also enjoys full-time four-wheel drive courtesy of BMW’s xDrive system.

Although it might not seem like a lot of power for such a bulky vehicle, there is 265 bhp on offer here and, believe me, that’s plenty. The 0-100 kph dash is achieved in an impressive 6.5 seconds and the top speed is an equally solid 230 kph, which is the sort of figure motorway munching people like. It will also return a figure of 6.1 l/100 km, which is a not too shoddy 45.9 mpg in old money.

Thing is, the X6 is a seamlessly impressive car to drive and not just for the manner which it goes about the tasks put to it, but also for the smoothness and comfort with which it does just that. It is nearly inconceivable to think that this beast would ever even raise a sweat unless you were intent on giving it a right whipping.

It corners like it’s on rails and the handling is almost disdainful of any road you pit it against; I did try to see if it was possible to get it out of it’s comfort zone, but found such an assignment to be beyond my range of capabilities.

The interior is not only a paragon of luxury, but is packed with technology too.

If its on-road talent is assured and impressive, then you will not be disappointed by an interior which is not only a paragon of luxury, but is packed with technology too. 

Stuff like gesture control is available here and indeed, the whole infotainment/climate/connectivity nerve centre can be operated by whirling your hands around, telling the car what you want it to do or, you can simply revert to the — by now — old fashioned iDrive system.

So, the driving and living with aspects of this car are pretty much gold-standard and there are very many upsides on offer here — so many, in fact, it is hard to find any fault.

But then you have the look of the thing. Oh, dearie me.

Those looks make this the automotive equivalent of that paste made of yeast extract which so many find divisive. It is, most certainly a Marmite car and thus you can only be in one of two camps when it comes to liking it or not. This machine presents a terrible dilemma: either you love it or despise it.

I guess I’m in the latter camp.