Ask Audrey: 'We banned her from the group because only Norries call it Fitzgerald’s Park'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

It’s tentative on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Don’t Want to Boast About our Easter Break on Social Media in Case Ballinlough Types Break into our House. It’s all about pretending you’re still in Cork. 

Norma_SelfLove shared a photo of herself in Central Park, New York with the caption “Who needs the Big Apple when you can bring the smallies to Fitzgerald Park.” Fifi_YogaGuru said shouldn’t that be Fitzgerald’s Park and we banned her from the group for a month because only Norries call it Fitzgerald’s Park. (It’s like the way they refer to Tesco’s.) 

Orla_NeverAtHome put up an Instagram story of her in Monaco with the caption, “Isn’t Ballycotton gone fierce cosmopolitan?” That was a bit of a stretch and didn’t she arrive home to find that her house had been rifled, they even took her 25 grand island from the kitchen. 

Cliona_Dreamer then posted a photo of herself at Buckingham Palace with the caption “Blackrock Castle is up there with the best”, so we organised a whip around for her, because a weekend break in London is a bit Rathcormac, you know that kind of way? 

Anyway Audrey, I’m in Marbs this week with the kids, the posh bit so we don’t bump into a trainee mechanic from Kildare – I’m dying to post a photo, so what part of Cork looks most like Marbella? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

I just did a Google Street View of Marbella, it’s full of mutton dressed as lamb in fake tan. So tell them you’re in Kinsale.

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. My bitch of a sister is going to dump her two kids on me over Easter so herself and her lily-livered husband can wander around a 4-star hotel in Killarney in their robes and have dreary rumpy-pumpy after lunch, I’ve a little bit of puke in my mouth even thinking about it. 

She did it as well last Easter and I don’t want to blaspheme the good Lord, but I’d rather die on a cross than look after three children under 10 - Jesus Christ almighty they never stop talking to me in their American accents, which is ridiculous given that their parents have decided to torture them by rearing the family in Roscrea. 

It’s bad enough growing up in Tipperary, but one change of wind up there and you could find yourself in Offaly, which is inclined to make Scartaglin look like San Fran. Anyway, didn’t the sister send me a message just there reminding me I have to an Easter Egg hunt for them on Saturday night, as if I was some kind of Yank. 

Apparently I did one for them last year, but the recollection would be a bit hazy because I got heavy-handed with a new batch of craft gin that Berna and myself were making in the garage. So Audrey, what the feck is an Easter Egg hunt? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond.

An Easter Egg hunt is where your kids run around the garden picking up chocolate eggs, and you put a post up on Instagram saying that they burned off more calories running than eating, so your in-laws don’t judge you for feeding junk to your children.

Guten Tag. What is the story with you Paddys and drinking on Good Friday? We are getting a half day this Good Friday at our job because our multi-billionaire owner wants us to think he is sound like. 

I suggested that we organise a Sports and Social cycle down to Kinsale, with a nice pint by the water and a leisurely spin back home. 

This guy Noelie from network support called me a ‘fitness- freak killjoy langball’ (his words) on the group chat, adding that he couldn’t see the point of wasting good pinting in a pub time, cycling up and down to Kinsale, on Good Friday. 

I said, what is your obsession with drinking your head off in a pub on Good Friday and Noelie said we have a lot of catching up to do because pubs were closed on that day for years, forcing people to drink at home on a Friday, which he believes to be against the laws of nature. 

So, am I fighting a losing battle trying to keep you Paddys out of the pub on Good Friday? 

- Jurgen, Berlin and Ballincollig.

My nephew is doing a PhD on Irish Drinking Habits, his working title is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I said, what effect has opening the pubs on Good Friday had on our drinking culture? He said, far less people drinking Toilet Duck at the end of a party. #WeRanOut

C’mere, what’s the story with the Wim Hof lad that do advocate dunking yourself in cold water? Budgie bet me that I wouldn’t do it, so I bought three bags of ice in Aldis, lobbed them in my empty wheelie bin and jumped in for the craic. You probably heard the screams in your snobby gaff on the southside. But now I’m addicted to the buzz and it’s costing me a fortune in ice. Would I be better off just jumping in the sea? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My Conor is into sea-swimming. So am I, because it gets him out of the house. I said, what’s the temperature like this time of year? He said, it’s about as hot as our love life. So Donie, don’t go near the sea for a while.