Sex File: My new man is quite dull in bed

"It's a pity that people are not more open about sexual inexperience - because from the time that young people become sexually active, every relationship is an important opportunity to learn"

Mon, 04 Oct, 2021 - 06:05

Suzi Godson

My boyfriend and I are in our 20s and have been together only a few months. He wants the quickest route to an orgasm. I like to take my time. I don't expect tantric sex, I just want things to slow down. He seems to think sex is an end-of-the-night thing before we go to sleep. How can someone so young be so unadventurous?

We have a tendency to presume that the people we have sex with know what they are doing, but that's not necessarily the case. I don't know how many partners your new boyfriend has had, but it sounds to me as if he is inexperienced. It's a pity that people are not more open about sexual inexperience because from the time that young people become sexually active, every relationship is an important opportunity to learn. The ideal time to start this conversation is in the first flush of a new relationship when everything is rose-tinted. At that point, people are generally eager to please. When you have already been sleeping with someone for six months, guidance can easily be interpreted as criticism.

Your new boyfriend's haste is almost certainly a mix of urgency and inexperience, but heading straight for the finish line is a sign of ignorance - most young men are simply clueless about female sexual response. From the age of 11, boys get most of their sex education from porn, so by the time they are sexually active, they believe that there is a straight line between erection, penetration, ejaculation and female orgasm. One can only wonder how the sex lives of the next generation would be improved if young people were taught that the average time it takes a male to ejaculate once penetrative sex begins is 5.7 minutes, whereas the average time it takes for a woman to become aroused enough to achieve orgasm once penetrative sex begins is 14 minutes.

What confuses me is that there is so much information about sex available online, on TV, in newspapers, in magazines and in books, so why do more men not take the time to learn how to satisfy a female partner? Whether it is naivety or wilful ignorance doesn't really matter. The result is the same: orgasms for him and none for you. So I'm afraid you need to make clear to him that you need foreplay, clitoral stimulation and time before you have a hope of achieving orgasm. I know it shouldn't be up to women to "teach" young men that real women don't respond the way that porn stars do, but if a man you like in every other way consistently demonstrates an inability to take your sexual needs into account, you have no choice.

Putting your boyfriend's repetitious repertoire down to being "unadventurous" is generous. He may just be lazy. He is getting what he wants, when he wants it, and that is enough for him. It shouldn't be enough for you. You have to be more assertive, and the easiest way to change the pace is to force him into a more passive role. If you get on top, you are in control of the level of stimulation and the pace. Introduce him to edging; bring him to the brink of orgasm, then let the sensations subside before stimulating him again. This will enable him to develop better ejaculatory control and help him to become more confident about his ability to slow things without losing his erection.

Initiating sex on a weekend morning is likely to be more leisurely than last thing at night, and you might even decide that you want to explore tantra together. Tantra has a reputation for being about four-hour orgasms, but in fact it is more about connection - it has lots in common with mindfulness and meditation. Learning new skills together is a gentle way to put the past behind you, and it'll help you forge the sexual relationship you both want.