Ask Audrey: 'The view on the Blackrock Road is Micheál Martin has completely lost it'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

Ask Audrey has been sorting Cork people out for ages.

C’mere, what’s the story with wearing short-shorts on the streets of Cork? The old doll do be glued to Love Island all week and it do be a nightmare trying to dodge all her passive aggressive comments about me getting back to the gym, because the six packs on the prancing gomies this year make me look like your drunk uncle at a wedding. 

I’m on the verge of saying to her, c’mere girl if you want to get a second look off one of them muscle men, maybe cut down on the Ben & Jerry’s when you’re watching them every night. I don’t actually say that because I can’t afford another three months of relationship counselling. 

Anyway, last night didn’t she say, Donie swap out them gammy knee-length shorts you wear and lash on a pair of short-shorts like they do wear on Love Island and I’d be weak for ya boy, if you know what I mean. 

Now Audrey, it’s simply not in my DNA to ignore an opportunity for doing the business on a more regular basis, but on the other hand I’m worried that I’ll look a complete gowl walking around Cork looking like a backing dancer from a Wham! video. So which way do you think I should turn on this one? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I’ve no idea which way you dress, but we’ll all be able to see if you’re in short-shorts. I asked My Conor to wear short-shorts this summer. He said, would it make me more attractive in your eyes? I said, no, but it might make you more attractive in some other woman’s eyes. #TakeMyHusband

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. I was talking to Berna the other night about the kind of men that we meet through the dating site for rural people called Freckles. She put her finger on it when she pointed out that a search such ‘men under 80 with land in north Cork’ will bring back 20 results, but when you put in the filter ‘Does not wipe nose with sleeve’, that drops to 2 or 3. (And at least one of them is lying, when you meet them. Jesus like, you can buy disposable hankies in the shop.) 

Anyway, we decided to look for a better class of man and didn’t Berna mention this new app called Mind Your Manners that guarantees a date with English men living in West Cork. I said Jesus Berna, I can’t see myself getting turned on by some part-time cheesemaker who could do with a wash, but went along anyway and ended up meeting Derek, a surprisingly entertaining man for a chartered accountant. 

The only problem is the England-Germany match was on the telly and didn’t he jump up and sing Rule Britannia when they got the second goal. That can kind of carry on would get tongues wagging in Scartaglin, oh look at Rosealeen on a date with half of MI5. So like, what are the chances that England will get knocked out soon, because Derek has a grand set of arms up on him? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My nephew is football mad, I rang him here and said, what will happen if England win the Euros. He said, we’ll never hear. I said said, we’ll never hear what? He said, the end of it. #800YearsofHurt

Hi, it’s getting brutal on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Spent 5 grand on a Vaccination Outfit. 

Fifi_WhiteRangeRover said communions are for Norries babes, the only place to flash an 8 grand boho jumpsuit this summer is at the Premium Level in Pairc Ui Chaoimh #In4TheJab.

Lorna_CatWalkMaterial said that’s it’s a balls that you have to wear a mask isn’t it because I’d love to have flashed my new 42 grand chin at the hot soldiers on duty, but then I suppose you can’t have everything. 

Leoni_NewYorkMarathonTwice said her appointment was for City Hall and she was auto-blocked from the group for two weeks because apparently, City Hall vaccine appointments are for losers who went to Christ the King. Thing is, my appointment is for City Hall, say nothing. Is it even worth my while getting my hair done? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

I rang the Posh Cousin there and said is it true that the crème de la crème of Cork society is getting their jabs in the Pairc? All I could hear were muffled sobs on the other end of the line, so I said, where are you? She said, City Hall.

Hello old stock. The view on the Blackrock Road is Micheál Martin has completely lost it, which comes as no surprise given that he can only afford a house in Ballinlough. 

Antagonising young people with this latest pub opening delay will force them to emigrate, and there will no one left here to work in unpaid internships and provide vital support to landlords like myself with hilariously high rent. 

To appease their anger, he must open the pubs immediately or seal the borders so the little feckers can’t leave. Could you pass that message on to him, sil vous plait? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

I rang the office of the Taoiseach there and Micheál himself answered with an bhfuil cead agam dul go dtí an leithreas. I said, what? He said, oh sorry I thought you were Tony Holohan. #NeedsPermission