My dying wife told me I had ADHD — my diagnosis ultimately changed my life

The day before Danny Buckley’s wife, Simone, passed away, she told him to accept her death, to back himself, to be happy so their young son could be happy. She also told her husband to find out who he was, part of which she believed was finding out whether he could have ADHD. He tells Helen O’Callaghan how that conversation changed his life.

Danny Buckley founder of ADHD Now which is based in Blackpool. Picture: Noel Sweeney

My wife, Simone, had type-1 diabetes. Her kidney function started to decrease when our son, Joey, was born. She had problems with her liver and heart.

She was to get a transplant, but she had cardiac arrest after dialysis one day. She was put on palliative care then and taken off the transplant list. She was in hospital for the last 10 months of her life.

On December 8, 2022, the day before Simone passed away, I went up to CUH to see her with Joey, who was eight then. She was sitting out of the bed for the first time in months. It was like she wanted her last memory with Joey to be out of the bed — she was smiling and playing with him.

To see her out of bed was amazing, and her energy as well for Joey — it took a lot out of her. I was bringing Joey home when she phoned me and said: “Bring Joey into my mother’s and come back up to me, I want to chat to you.”

I went in, and she was back in bed. She said: “I would do anything to stay here with you and Joey, but I can’t. I accept I’m going to die, and I want you to accept it as well”.

She said: “Life is short; you don’t know what the future holds. I want you to be happy so Joey will be happy. I want you to back yourself.”

She moved on to talking about… my flaws, really. She said: “Look at the way your life has been up, down, up, down; I believe you have ADHD.”

Danny Buckley: 'Simone always would have said I had ADHD, but this time I kind of heard her. For a woman who was dying, and who knew she was dying, to be able to have that conversation and pass on that gift.' Picture: Noel Sweeney

She said I was very emotionally dysregulated, easily distracted, hyper-focused on things I was interested in and forgetting about everything else.

She said I had no structure or discipline in my life — which I hadn’t. She told me I didn’t know who I was — she wanted me to find out.

Simone always would have said I had ADHD, but this time I kind of heard her. For a woman who was dying, and who knew she was dying, to be able to have that conversation and pass on that gift.

“Back yourself; you’re well capable. I believe in you”, telling me to enjoy the life I had because life is short and precious — it ultimately changed my life.

But at the time I was totally taken aback, and I didn’t think she’d pass away that night. But I thought maybe she is coming to the end, now that she’s talking like this. I was emotionally numb that day, so consumed with getting by for Joey and for Simone’s mother.

She passed on December 9; she was 33. A few weeks later, on a day I was really struggling — sad, angry, a lot of anxiety — I opened a newspaper in my mother’s house. There was an article, a guy talking about his ADHD diagnosis. His symptoms were listed. It was like Simone touched me on the shoulder and said: “This is your path.”

It brought me back to the conversation on December 8. For the first time, I was willing to accept that I might, potentially, have ADHD.

The following morning I went to my GP. I said: “I wonder if I have ADHD.” He said it sounded like I had symptoms. He said I’d be waiting years in the public system to get assessed. I went searching online but there was nothing. The GP said my best option was to go to the UK.

Danny Buckley: 'I think Simone would be happy with the man I’ve turned out to be: A responsible man, a responsible father. Joey and I travel a lot; we’re enjoying our life.' Picture: Noel Sweeney

I was diagnosed in April 2023 with severe combined ADHD. I was told I could have compassion for myself; for those years I was constantly running away from myself, thinking there was something wrong with me. For the first time in my life, I could fully accept myself for who I am.

Medication was recommended, but I didn’t want to take it. Four months before Simone died, I felt she was going to pass away. And I thought Joey’s going to lose his mother; he needs a damn good father. I became fully sober four months before she died. I haven’t drunk for four years.

And so, regarding medication for ADHD, I didn’t want to take any mood-altering substance.

Other options were working with a psychotherapist and ADHD coach. I did weekly sessions on emotional resilience and regulation, identifying my flaws and strengths. I still do it every week. A couple of weeks into it, I started to get very structured and disciplined. I started becoming very emotionally aware of myself, so I was able to catch and support myself — that flip changed my life.

I think Simone would be happy with the man I’ve turned out to be: A responsible man, a responsible father. Joey and I travel a lot; we’re enjoying our life. We have a great bond and relationship. And with my company, ADHD Now, I’m building services that are helping others. I think she’d be happy with that too.

• Danny Buckley is founder of ADHD Now, Ireland’s largest private ADHD assessment and aftercare provider, built after his own personal experience. He also sits on the Cross-Party Oireachtas Group on ADHD Service Reform and was named a finalist in the Emerging category of the EY Entrepreneur of the Year 2026 awards. Visit www.adhdnow.com/ie.