Kyla Cobbler: 'If you grew up Catholic, the idea of asking for more can be hard to come to terms with'

With raw honesty and her trademark humour, Kyla Cobbler’s new memoir charts her journey to self-love — and the international stage

Kyla Cobbler: 'If you grew up surrounded by Catholicism, the idea of asking for more can be hard to come to terms with.' Picture: Raphaël Neal

When I was 21, a woman called Erica introduced me to five magic words that changed my life: Happy, thank you. More, please.

She was, and still is, a force of nature — absolutely gorgeous, with a magic around her that extends to cover everyone close to her.

She’d been in the year above me at secondary school, and we worked together for a spell at the Angler’s Rest in Ballincollig.

When I was going through a tricky time, Erica encouraged me to use happy thank you more please, subtly telling me to look inward and be present.

She was the first person I had come across who was truly putting gratitude into practice. Being Catholic, I grew up praying, and I enjoyed prayer, so I continued to pray even after I stopped practising Catholicism. It was words I already knew, and they gave me comfort, so why not?

Happy thank you more please became my prayer, my mantra. I would feel so much better when I talked to Erica in the pub, and then the minute I was home alone I was bananas again. Proper nuts. But even still, the happy thank you more please stayed with me. I just kept saying it.

Nowadays, it’s thrown around a lot, this idea of practising gratitude; writing three things you are grateful for every day. Only now, 14 years later in a world of online shamanic wankers trying to sell courses on how to be grateful, I realise that I have been doing it for ages, and it does work. And you don’t need fancy journals or candles or to wake up at sunrise (if you’re not a sunrise wanker). You just need to spread some love each day and acknowledge the good things that happen.

I was brought up with manners, and I was proud of them. I remember queuing up for a carvery and the chef telling my mom that I had great manners – I was delighted. But gratitude goes beyond basic manners. Gratitude holds power. What you put in, you get back. It isn’t saying thank you after a big incredible thing happens or life is going well — we are all pirates when the sea is calm. It’s when things are just okay, predictable, a bit boring even, this is where the magic happens. It’s not about the big firework moments, it’s about finding the tiny wins, the small victories, the little winks from the universe that you are on the right track and having a mini gratitude disco in your head. I’m happy. Thank you. I will have more of that.

Take for example you are crossing the road at a busy street and just as you reach the kerb the green man comes on. It’s a small victory but a lovely win all the same. Happy, thank you. More, please. Let the universe know that you are happy about the green man, you’re thankful for the little win, and you wouldn’t mind more of the same vibe. Simple and effective.

Five words a few times a day could change your whole perspective. I know it might sound hippy dippy, but you may as well give it a go. Maybe it’s a placebo effect but I mean, if it works, that’s still great, right?

Happy, thank you, more, please, the bus arrived on time. Happy, thank you, more, please, my housemate has gone out so I can cook alone listening to a podcast. Happy, thank you, more, please, I got my period, and the barman won’t be in my life forever as a co-parent to my child. You know, the small things.

Now if, like me, you grew up surrounded by Catholicism, the idea of asking for more can be hard to come to terms with. Religion is about sacrifice and penance, regret, guilt, and shame, especially if you’re a woman. Deny yourself your animal ways. Be satisfied with what you have. Take it from me, those sorts of things can take a long time to unlearn.

I also know that daily gratitude is a beautiful idea but it’s not always easy, and on some days it feels impossible. Most of us love telling the stories of the annoying man on the train, or the door not working at the airport, or the guy in traffic who cut you off. It’s not about feeling shit when the shit things come. I know it truly feels like the gods are against us at times but trust me — focus on the good stuff.

It took me a while to get to where I am now. I’m not saying that Erica told me this magic spell of happy, thank you, more, please and all of a sudden I was completely changed. Not at all. I wasn’t fully ready to understand, and it would be a few years before I really took it on board. From my teens until my thirties, I’ve dealt with a lot of shit. Arsehole men, insecurities, depression, self-sabotage, arrests (we’ll get to that). But I’ve done the work, and I can see that, as cliché as it may sound, all those hard times have led me to where I am. And I can see that because of Erica, my saviour. She told me to be present and grateful. To appreciate the moments that have come and gone and, when something positive happens, just say thank you and ask the universe for more.

• Happy, Thank You. More, Please by Kyla Cobbler is published by Hachette Books Ireland on September 1.