'The baby had been missed in an earlier scan — I was pregnant after five years trying'

Anita Kucsera, founder of Annutri: "I never thought I’d have a problem conceiving, I thought it can’t be me, it must be my new partner… he desperately wanted children." Picture: Gareth Chaney

My son, Kai, is six now. Prior to having him, I was five years trying for a baby. And only after those five years – and three miscarriages – did they do investigations to see what was happening.

At that stage, I’d been a single mother for years and had a 21-year-old son. I never thought I’d have a problem conceiving, I thought it can’t be me, it must be my new partner… he desperately wanted children.

The testing finally revealed an underlying genetic factor affecting my pregnancies, news that came just as I turned 40, when it felt like the odds were already stacked against me. So I only got answers after repeated loss, and receiving that diagnosis at 40 added another layer to an already difficult journey.

I was extremely stressed… my hair was falling out, coming away in clumps in my hand. I noticed it when I was in the shower, when I was drying off. For me, my hair was so important, it was like my signature.

My identity was locked into my hair – people would say, ‘Do you know Anita, with the lovely long blonde thick hair?’ When that’s taken away and you’re in a very vulnerable situation where you can’t get pregnant, then you’re having miscarriages – and you’re delivered bad news – you get frightened.

And then, it was like what I had feared most had happened. Five years trying for a baby, miscarriages, facing 40, and now this genetic factor. I’d wanted so badly to conceive – I was holding it so tight, trying so hard, swimming against the river, trying to make something happen.

When I finally said ‘the worst has happened, nothing worse could happen’ – I’d feared the worst and it had come – it was nearly a release. And that was the turning point, when I released it. At that stage, I let go and let God.

Anita Kucsera, founder of Annutri: "I was extremely stressed… my hair was falling out, coming away in clumps in my hand. I noticed it when I was in the shower, when I was drying off. For me, my hair was so important, it was like my signature." Picture: Gareth Chaney.

And when I did that, I found I had one more wind in me, one bat left to give, and I went to a fertility clinic and did IUI… I got pregnant. I was so happy, but on the seven-week scan, the nurse said I had an empty sac – around seven weeks was when I’d previously miscarried.

But I still felt pregnant. The fertility clinic said it was just the hormones. I was so depressed. At the National Maternity Hospital, where I went to get a D&C, they did a scan and the sonographer said, ‘I’ll turn the camera away from you because you’ve been through such a hard time’… and his face dropped and he said, ‘I have to let a consultant see’. I thought, 'Oh my God, I have cancer'.

Anita Kucsera: "Sometimes when I tell the story, I think: am I making this up? Did this actually happen to me? But when you’re so clenched to something, the stress is actually the thing that holds you back. Picture: Gareth Chaney.

The consultant said, ‘You’d better turn the monitor around to her’. The baby had been missed in the seven-week scan, and I was 13 weeks pregnant. Did I wish him back? Or maybe it was because I had given it to God. My husband and I walked home in shock – I was pregnant!

Sometimes when I tell the story, I think: am I making this up? Did this actually happen to me? But when you’re so clenched to something, the stress is actually the thing that holds you back. I’d been so focused on getting pregnant, doing everything – pregnancy acupuncture, crystals, supplements, whatever was out there, I was doing it.

The fear you have, worrying about the things that could happen, but when they happen, you’re able to deal with them. You have no choice. That’s when I let go and let God. I made my peace with it, whatever the outcome.

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And the pregnancy was so happy. It was brilliant, no issues at all – I mean, I’d gotten everything I’d wanted. And then to have a healthy baby boy.

I’m big into personal growth. When things have worked out, it’s been when I have let them go. Like when you’re younger and the more you wanted a boyfriend, the more you didn’t get one. And the more I wanted awards, I didn’t get them. My default is to get very caught up in things, to want to control them, to tune into stress, to push forward, to do well.

But now I always remind myself: what’s the worst that can happen? And things seem to come easier. I have learned that acceptance is the deliverance of peace.

And with Kai, I know in my heart I’ve been gifted a miracle – there was no other understanding of that situation.

• With a background as a beauty therapist before subsequently diversifying into the fitness and supplement industry, Anita Kucsera is co-founder of Annutri, meaning ‘nourish yourself’. The company blends science-led nutrition with potent botanicals to create supplements and topical treatments that enhance the appearance and wellbeing of hair and skin. In 2020, Kucsera launched hair health supplement Grow It. Visit www.annutri.com