Dear Dáithí: I get on better with one of my children. Am I in danger of making the others feel left out?

With my younger two, I find that they are constantly texting friends and only take a break to ask me for money or permission to go somewhere else

Dáithí Ó Sé: You asked if you should take a step back from the one you get on best with and my answer is no you shouldn’t. Like, what are you going to say: “Sorry, I love spending time with you my child and we get on so well. I think we need to take a step back.” That is madness. You should love and enjoy every minute of it. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

I’m a mum of two girls and a boy. They are all pretty good kids — even if that includes leaving lunchboxes in schoolbags over mid-term and holidays, or being impossible to get out of bed in the mornings.

My youngest is just heading into the teenage years and the other two are already teenagers, 15 and 17.

We are busy with our own jobs and with lifts to sports events, friends’ houses, school, and babysitting jobs. So when we have spare time, we have to use it wisely.

Well, what’s my problem you ask?  I don’t want to say I have a favourite and I would be horrified if any of my children or anyone else thought I favoured one child over the other.

But I do get on so much better with one of my children. We have a similar sense of humour and even a similar approach to life — we both like to keep busy and to keep informed on local and current affairs, social issues, and even the local team.

I don’t even want to specify whether it’s one of my girls or my son. But I’m into the same sports as my eldest and we just get on so well that it’s easier all round if I drive them and then we might stop for a meal on the way back. And a trip away to see a big game is just a treat for both of us, and it feels more like we’re friends. With my younger two, I find that they are constantly texting friends and only take a break to ask me for money or permission to go somewhere.

Should I take a step back from the one I get on best with and just organise more activities with the other two in the hope that we develop more fun and relaxed relationships there too?

Or is it ok to be closer to one nearly adult child?

I was begining to wonder where the problem is here and I’m still not sure if there is a big problem at all.

It is great to hear that other people, aka you, have the same ‘problem’ as us when it comes to mouldy lunchboxes. I did come across one after the midterm and it was ready to walk out of the house.

I do envy you though with children who find it hard to get out of bed... we have a lad who jumps out of bed at 6.45am every morning and we can’t wait for the day that changes!

You do seem to be doing everything right making sure that any free time you have is used wisely. With all that’s happening, it can be very hard to manage, so well done. I often think that us parents are our own worst enemy with all the coming and going between sports, music, and everything else we bring into our children’s lives, but apparently some day they will thank you.

Should I take a step back from the one I get on best with and just organise more activities with the other two in the hope that we develop more fun and relaxed relationships there too? Or is it ok to be closer to one nearly adult child?

So, the issue here is that you have what looks like a stronger bond with one of your children at the moment. And, to be honest, I see nothing wrong with that, it’s not like you are going out of your way to make this happen and not doing anything to keep the other two children away.

The other children don’t seem to take any notice; they are probably delighted that their sibling is talking about all the boring stuff with mom and you are leaving them alone. What I’m getting at here is that this is not affecting them at all.

That said, I think in time you do need to find common ground and something that they like doing, and you or your husband need to create some special memories with them too.

Think of the memories you’ll have from the football match; you need to try and do something similar.

What you don’t want is that they’ll turn around in years to come and say you loved one more than the other, so we’re going to work on this one to avoid that happening.

You asked if you should take a step back from the one you get on best with and my answer is no you shouldn’t. Like, what are you going to say: “Sorry, I love spending time with you my child and we get on so well. I think we need to take a step back.”

That is madness. You should love and enjoy every minute of it.

As I’ve said, you should be stepping up with the others and not stepping back in any way. The reality is that you don’t know how long you will have the child at home to spend this quality time with. You know the way they are, they’ll meet someone and they move out and you only see them every now and then — that’s just life, so take the opportunity while it’s going. And, most importantly, make the most of them.

Outside of all of that, I do think that this is a common situation. We have only one child so it’s a bit different in our house but we do all go on holiday together, and then Rita goes away with the boy without me, and the boy and I go away alone. And it all works.

I really believe you can’t beat that one-to-one time alone; it’s so special, and both get so much out of it. And speaking of bonds, I definitely feel the bond is a lot stronger after our trip away. It’s a yearly trip now, that both of us get excited about months before.

I know you say you feel more like friends sometime, but it is very important to remember you are the parent and sometimes when you get too ‘pally’ it can be hard to go back into parent mode. It’s a very easy trap to fall into, we’ve all been there.

Kids will be kids too, and sometimes if they spot a weakness, they might exploit it. I know I did, we all remember those opportunities when we were young. They are no different these days really.

There is so much happiness and positivity in your letter. From the outside looking in, you are doing a great job with the children and the reason why you over-thought this one was out of concern for the other two — to make sure that they would be fine and not felt left out. That’s a great instinct to have.

Now with all the worrying about the children, make sure you have time for you too. I’ve often seen it, moms and dads pleasing everyone else around them and forgetting about themselves.