What a Difference a Day Makes: 'Grief is as physical as it is emotional'

Hotelier and co-founder of Pancreatic Cancer Ireland Niall Rochford talks to Helen O’Callaghan about his love for his wife, Stella, his grief at losing her – and his mission to raise awareness of a disease he calls shocking and savage, as well as raise funds for a rapid diagnosis centre in Ireland.

I met Stella in 1991 at Dromoland Castle — we both worked there. My first day seeing her… she was just lovely, brown eyes, sallow skin.

We didn’t start going out till a few years later; by then, we knew each other very well. We fell in love, and married in 1998.

She was the kindest, most natural person, loved nature, dogs, horses, absolutely adored fashion.

Beautiful inside and out. She didn’t like the limelight… what people remember — small unexpected kindnesses she’d give them over the years.

It was a normal marriage, trust me — we had our ups and downs, our arguments… fun… love.

Stella was healthy — I never remember her needing to go to the doctor, even when pregnant with our three children. She always ate well, went to the gym, drank very little.

In August 2021, she started getting tummy pain; we thought it was allergies. She started losing her appetite, feeling fatigued — very unusual for her. She had mid-back pain, was diagnosed with early-onset diabetes, told to watch her diet. Stella was already incredibly conscious about her diet.

There were no red flags at that point. I now know those five symptoms — combined — is a red flag. Stella went to the doctor six times between August 2021 and May 2022. No dots were connected.

Feeling very unwell by May 2022, she was referred for a scan. But there was a six-week wait so a friend arranged a consultation with a gastroenterologist in Galway. We’d no idea, no clue, we thought an ulcer, some digestive issue...

Going in, she asked, ‘Do my eyes look yellow?’ I thought yes but I said no, not wanting to worry her.

I was in a shop when the consultant’s secretary called — Stella was out of the procedure, the consultant would like to see us…

She was up enjoying tea and toast, in good form, telling some funny story. We waited a short while and… our lives changed. The consultant, very matter of fact — how else was he to be, delivering the kind of news he had: Stella had a
tumour in her pancreas, it had spread to her liver. It wasn’t treatable or curable.

Grief is as physical as it is emotional. To feel those words coming over you, the physical reaction is gut-wrenching. I tried to hold it together. Tears running down Stella’s face, I said, ‘I’m with you, Stella, 100%, we’ll get through this.’ The nurse brought me out to her station, for a minute I broke down…

Hotelier and co-founder of Pancreatic Cancer Ireland Niall Rochford talks to Helen O’Callaghan about his love for his wife, Stella, his grief at losing her – and his mission to raise awareness of a disease he calls shocking and savage, as well as raise funds for a rapid diagnosis centre in Ireland.

We asked could we bring Stella home until we knew the next phase. They asked was I OK to drive.

Handing the pharmacist the prescription they’d given, I broke down. He looked at it, at me, said, ‘Keep yourself together — you’ll get through this.’

Back in the car, the longest, most silent car journey we’d ever had together. Trying to rationalise what had been said. We decided to say nothing yet to our family — three days earlier we’d had a new grandchild. No words… Stella just went to bed. We had a terrible night.

We didn’t know how long she had — weeks, months, years? Weeks.

There are nurses in Stella’s family. They dropped everything and were with us, with Stella, for the next eight weeks — they gave extraordinary support. I work for Ashford Castle. They gave me the time to focus 100% on Stella for the length of time remaining... an incredible gift.

Stella was more accepting of her prognosis, her diagnosis, than I was. She wanted more conversations about the reality. I was trying to say, ‘There’s always hope... maybe if you do this or that.’ I couldn’t accept the reality until days before she passed. The palliative care team brought me aside and said, ‘Niall, you’re not seeing it for what it is. Stella only has days left.’ I didn’t see it being so imminent…

Niall Rochford and his wife Stella.

We had the privilege of bringing her home — we couldn’t have without the support of the Irish Cancer Society and Mayo Roscommon Hospice. She came home on the Friday; on Saturday/Sunday, she was getting a bit agitated — we knew the next medication would put her in a deep sleep. My youngest said, ‘Does this mean this is the last time we’ll hear Mom’s voice?’ I said, ‘Yes.’

She passed away on Wednesday, July 13, at 3pm.

I’m grateful for being able to bring her home, for the dignity she had in her dying.

It’s amazing what grief does to you. I’m half the person I was when I was married to Stella. Grief never leaves; you carry it better as time goes on. Alongside terrible grief, there’s gratitude — for Stella, for the support of family, of Ashford Castle, as I tried to navigate grief.

Niall Rochford with his son Niall Rochford Jr and daughter Zoe Rochford ahead of his 250km charity walk from Cork to Cong in memory of his wife Stella, raising funds and awareness for Pancreatic Cancer Ireland. Picture: Chani Anderson.

I look back and wonder could we have done anything differently. Pancreatic cancer’s extremely hard to diagnose. But I firmly believe, with awareness of the symptoms, I’d have pushed it more, got Stella to push for more.

Rachel Duquesnois, Pamela Deasy, and I co-founded Pancreatic Cancer Ireland. Our mission: to improve the experience and outcome for those diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. After my family, my work, it’s the third pillar in my life.

• Hotelier and co-founder of Pancreatic Cancer Ireland, Niall Rochford is currently on a 12-day, 250km walk from Cork to Cong to raise vital funds and awareness for pancreatic cancer. The Cork2Cong Challenge sees Niall retrace the path of his late wife Stella, who was born in Cork and made her home in Cong, and who died eight weeks post-pancreatic-cancer diagnosis.
• pancreaticcancerireland.ie/cork2cong