My Life with Dayna Pender: 'I organise cuddle parties for strangers'

Pender, 29, of Holistic Coaching and Wellness Ireland, discusses mystery and authenticity when entering into a cuddle party

Dayna Pender in Ennistymon, Co Clare. Picture: Eamon Ward

For many, cuddle parties are quite a striking concept. That might explain why I’ve become somewhat selective about who I share this part of my life with.

It was an ex-partner of mine who introduced me to this new and intriguing world. We met at an event that involved conscious touch and authentic relating.

We went on to host our own events in Mexico that lasted between five and six hours.

Based on the positive reactions from the people in these communities, this was something the world really needed.

I already had a background in tantra and somatic work. This meant a lot of touch and a focus on what’s going on internally.

In my younger years, I always struggled with knowing what I was going to do.

Being an entrepreneur was an ambition of mine. Nonetheless, I still wasn’t sure which area I actively wanted to pursue.

There was always that feeling that I was going to be working for myself and doing whatever felt good to me.

While my journey started with me studying public health in UCC, it was my partner at the time who taught me about exercises to connect from the heart.

Originally from Kildare, I moved to Clare in November after seven years of travelling the world.

Intimacy events are more challenging in Ireland, given the residual Catholic guilt that continues to weigh many of us down.

Events like this are very important in light of how reserved we still are as a country. A lot of the time it’s predominantly individuals from other countries who enquire about my events.

The idea of attending a cuddle party can be quite daunting for people. It’s difficult to visualise entering a space and touching and cuddling people that you don’t know.

Their first concern is that it’s going to be awkward and weird. I want to be honest when I say that there is an awkwardness about it initially.

You are in a space with people that you probably don’t know and you have no idea what’s going to happen.

There is a mystery in it, but life is a mystery. It’s really about being authentic and not wearing masks or performing in the way our everyday lives often demand.

The sessions are about stripping down the endless layers of conditioning that so often can prove suffocating.

The events are not sexual, but boundaries and consent are still important elements.

Both are presented in exercises which help us practise saying no and yes. 

It’s about really knowing what a yes feels like in our bodies and equally what a no feels like.

These are skills that should be taught in schools but often the lack of this awareness shows up in our lives in a way that’s detrimental to our wellbeing.

This might be something as simple as saying yes to a favour we should never have committed to.

The motivation is to please the other person while overriding our own needs and abandoning ourselves for something we only think we want.

That’s why there is a section on boundaries and consent before we go into any sort of touch or cuddling.

These are all lessons that transcend to the outside world. We are gaining skills and tools we can apply to the outside world.

It encourages more empathy as well for other people when they’re expressing their truths.

After establishing boundaries, we move into what I like to call conscious touch. It sees us slowing down and becoming very present.

We also become aware of the motivations around why we want to touch somebody and why we want to interact with them.

This fills us with a lot of awareness and introduces consciousness to every interaction that we’re experiencing.

In that respect, intimacy events are very empowering. Being at these events can inspire people to take matters into their own hands and not be at the mercy of other people’s actions or desires.

The age profile of my clients is normally between 23 and 60. In the past few months I am seeing more Irish participants joining, which is really positive.

I think we’re becoming more open to alternative ways of life. Being on a path of self-development is one of the prerequisites when signing up for one of my events.

People come to me for myriad reasons. One woman was experiencing a connection but was unsure about whether she wanted to be in that interaction or not.

Being intimate in a safe space helped the woman in question communicate her feelings of unease and step back and take a moment as needed.

Because it was slow and mindful, there was nothing that she ended up doing that she didn’t want to do. She was able to say no and feel empowered in saying no and was respected her no as well.

People on the outside sometimes laugh when they hear about what I do. They think it’s very radical. I’ve learned not to take things personally.

Instead, I try to focus on the task at hand and remember this is something the world really needs right now.