What A Difference A Day Makes: ‘One minute you’re not a mom. The next you are. I was ready’

Curator and founder of Apsara Studio in London Jenn Ellis talks to Helen O’Callaghan about having her firstborn in May – and about discovering how to be a mother on her terms, rather than listening to unhelpful narratives around motherhood.

Jenn Ellis loves taking her baby son, Leander, wherever she goes, whether it be museums or site visits: ‘He’s my tiny companion, I love speaking to him.’

My first baby, Leander Alfonso, was born on May 16.

Truly the biggest change is re-prioritising. It has forced me to be very selective about what I do, where I allocate energy. I’ve always been very busy, always wanted to do many projects. Now I double down on why here? Why now? Does it make sense for me?

Because I’m not just a business-owner, I’m a mother.

Having Leander has emphasised the nurturing element. As a curator, I’m always caring day-to-day — he has added to that. Also, qualities of patience and observation, muscles that were being worked — now they’ve been amplified, tested, and made stronger.

My approach now is to go about everyday life with grace, which relates to kindness, empathy, and sympathy — ranging from around how I feel hormonally, to expectations set medically, such as about breastfeeding. You need to find what suits you and shut out the surrounding noise, from medical professionals and the older generation.

Rather than focusing on breastfeeding, I focus on nourishing my child — which can happen in different ways. I feel the most important thing is comfort and building a base of security.

Following his birth, Leander was in the intensive care unit for some days. He was immediately introduced to the bottle — he had to be. I combination-fed; it meant my husband, Alex, could be more involved with feeding. We felt strongly about this — wanting to share the moments of bonding and nourishment, something we’ve been balancing between ourselves and Leander since he was born.

Everyone says “you’re doing so well, you look great”, very encouraging comments — I’m grateful. But I’m not doing it alone; I have a partner, husband, by my side who’s also getting up every night, feeding, giving me space to heal. It’s very much part of my recovery.

The year before I got pregnant, I experienced a miscarriage. It brought an element of fear around getting pregnant, having a baby. My pregnancy went well; there were some hiccups along the way, including obstetric cholestasis in the third trimester — where there was an impact on my liver function — and I had weekly hospital visits. So there was this build-up of fear.

I grew up in Switzerland. My mother being from Colombia, I feel very Latin. But I found this big culture of fear in the UK around giving birth, all the talk about the ‘birth process’, about statistics — all these heavy words. Whereas Latin American culture is very celebratory when it comes to children and having babies.

Jenn Ellis: I’m not just a business-owner, I’m a mother.

With the birth, I was quite calm. What surprised me afterwards was how much fun it is with a baby. I wish there were more of a narrative around the fun. I remember, early on, Leander in bed with me still recovering, I played different types of music to see what he liked. Turned out he likes French Indie! We’ve had many little morning dance parties since — him sitting curled in my lap, me sitting cross-legged holding his little hands, slowly moving his arms with the beat of the music.

One minute you’re not a mother. The next you are. But I don’t feel I’ve lost myself in the process. It’s not like I’m ‘trapped’. Yet through the pregnancy, I heard this negative, fear-based mindset. In the ante-natal class I heard, “if your baby’s taking a nap, you’ll be nap-trapped”, but why not just leave it at “baby’s taking a nap on you”?

I also heard “surviving the first six months so you don’t feel trapped in the house” — why “surviving”, as opposed to “how to enjoy the first six months and feel empowered”?

Shifting terminology is powerful.

So I feel very much like me. It feels natural to have Leander — more of an ‘and’, than an ‘or’. 

Yes, parts of my life are more dormant now. In my 20s, I’d go out a lot and work hard the next day. That part is definitely dormant! But I can still do things and have fun; just it is not spontaneous, it requires planning.

I take him to museums, to my studio, to site visits. I brought him to a site visit in Burgundy last week: Planes, trains, and automobiles all the way! I kept my cool, observed his cues — people were really welcoming of having a baby around.

He’s my tiny companion. I love speaking to him, primarily in Spanish. I describe what we’re looking at and what we will do.

I’ve been joking that I’ve had a very soft girl summer. I like softness at the moment: Not overly rushing from one place to another, lowering lights early in the evenings, and keeping my voice mellow. Softness means a hug and a caress, not just for my baby’s head but my partner’s shoulder, giving our dog a cuddle, letting love in from friends and parents — allowing space for vulnerability. Work-wise, I’ve got a team. I speak to them about my limits, what I can and can’t do.

I have a very loving family and husband. Adding Leander to the mix has expanded that even more. I was ready to be a mom. People talk about their heart bursting with love. What I feel is this really innate: Deep devotion.

• CAIM is Slane Castle’s new art programme dedicated to exploring nature and sanctuary through contemporary art. Jenn Ellis, along with Matilda Liu, is curator of CAIM’s inaugural exhibition at Slane Castle, September 12 to 30 — featuring immersive installations, sculptures, and multimedia works by emerging, and established, local and international artists. Opening weekend includes an exclusive gala event and a seasonal estate feast. See caimatslane.com for tickets.