Richard Hogan: Meals without screens feed family bonds

Dinner time offers an opportunity for the entire family to connect regularly without the distraction of mobile devices. Picture: iStock.

WE all know what it’s like; rushing in the door after a difficult day at work, tired, hungry, bothered by the day and zero energy for the perennial fight about what’s on the menu this evening. 

You’re met with the usual loaded question, “What’s for dinner?” Disappointment and guffaws of “eughhh” ring through the house.

Now you’re angry. “Children are starving all over the world”, your declaration of human hunger is met with indifference and eye rolls.

You think about what you can throw together in the quickest, least painful way possible. A carrot here, a potato there. Then you call them for this wonderful feast, and you are told, “I’ll just have a few waffles, I’ll eat it upstairs watching something on the iPad”.

You are annoyed now, but your children insist. “C’mon, I’m tired and just want to relax”. You have nothing left. You are also tired and want to relax, you might even get the TV to yourself for a brief moment.

So, you cave. “OK, don’t spill anything”. Your last-ditch effort at some authority. And that is that. Dinner time has now become a separate activity. Everyone is eating somewhere else in the house.

A recent study by Heinz found that 88% of children value family mealtimes and want to have them daily. 

It also revealed that 71% of mealtimes are rushed or disrupted and nearly one in five children (16%) admit to using phones or watching TV during meals. Additionally, 88% of parents acknowledged that mealtimes improve family happiness.

Children crave connection. We are in the middle of a loneliness epidemic in this country. Loneliness is rooted in a feeling of not mattering to those around you. That is such an important understanding to have as parents.

Our children feel like they do not matter. What is the antidote to that? Deep, meaningful connection to your family and friends. Feeling like you matter to the people in your life is vitally important for your well-being.

Technology has directly disrupted that restorative and healing process of familial bonds. We must take it back.

Eating dinner is such an intimate thing to share with someone. I know we are all busy, but we can all carve out 30 minutes a day to sit down and, as a family, share food and hear how each of our days went. 

This is where children learn to value themselves because they see you valuing their opinion and listening to what they have to say. It’s how a child becomes confident and secure in themselves.

Dinner time is where we should be chatting about all the ups and downs of what happened in the day. We should never give that away to technology.

Our children will move on in their lives, and they will, more than likely, create their own family. They will bring some of your traditions and values with them. 

What would like your children to tell their children about what life was like living in your relationship? It is such a short window of time that our children are with us, the legacy of that shared experience should be about mattering, being heard, feeling valued, and at times being disciplined.

If, at the end of their time with you, they say, “Ah, we were never that together, we never had dinner together, we all lived separate lives”, what a terrible missed opportunity for deep connection and love that will have been.

Everything in life is abbreviated and instantaneous. If you give a teenager an option, they will eat their dinner on their own, watching TikTok or some social media platform. But look at all the skills they are not developing when they eat dinner like this.

THERE should not be an option on the table for a separate dinner time. It is one of the most sacred moments of each day. I work with the Badjao Tribe in the Philippines, they have such a deep family ritual around dinnertime. It is wonderful to witness.

Our children are craving that connection. The research is clear on that fact. When we are sitting down for dinner, I ask my children, “Tell us about your day, what happened, what was good or bad about it, and did you learn anything new today?”

So, now when we sit down, they automatically explain what they liked about the day or what they were annoyed with during the day. It’s a little family news time. I can see the youngest child really enjoying it when it’s her time to share her daily news.

The exchange builds confidence, and they feel like they matter, because we are all listening and responding to what we are being told.

Our time with our children is fleeting. I can see it so clearly with our teenager. It can feel like they are rejecting you during adolescence, but they also really desire being together. 

They might not say it, they might even protest when they are forced together at mealtime, but they need that sense of belonging and mattering to thrive.

Dinner time should be something we all share as a family, technology should have no part in it. So, when our children leave and they look back, which they will do, they will recall warmly those dinners they often didn’t want to have with you.