Dear Dáithí: My best friend has gone back to her cheater of a boyfriend and I'm furious

Dáithí Ó Sé: "These friendships — the real ones — they’re rare. They don’t come easy, and they’re worth fighting for." Picture: Domnick Walsh. ©

Dear Dáithí,

I’ve been friends with a girl since secondary school, and we’ve been through a lot together. We did the same degree, worked in the same place for a couple of years, went travelling together — we were more like sisters. She’s one of those sweet, lovely people who would do anything for you.

She was especially good to me during some of my tough times — when my father passed away and when I had money issues in college, she supported me emotionally and financially. I’ve paid all the money back, and there’s no issue about that, it only strengthened our bond.

She was engaged for four years to a man who, as it turned out, was cheating on her and completely gaslighting her whenever she questioned it. He also took massive advantage of her — never paying his way, letting her carry the emotional and financial burden. 

I found out about the cheating, he wasn’t even trying that hard to hide it. I wrestled with whether to tell her, but eventually I did, because I knew I’d want to know if it were me.

They broke up, and she confided even more about how badly he treated her. We spent months tearing him to shreds. I made sure she was never on her own, and I even paid for a holiday for the two of us to help her heal. 

Now, she’s just sent me a text — not a call, not even in person — to say they’re back together. She asked me to support her because “he’s changed”. 

I am furious. How could she go back to him? He’s so bad for her, I can’t even explain all the things he’s done. I feel like I can’t face either of them. How do I save this friendship?

I was really enjoying your letter — up until halfway down. The first part is a beautiful story of friendship, built over years, forged through shared experiences and mutual support. It’s a rare kind of bond — the kind many people never find.

But that same closeness is what makes the current situation so painful. It’s like you’re both looking at the same painting, but from totally different angles — and only one of you is standing too close to see what’s really going on. That person, sadly, isn’t you.

It’s incredibly hard to watch someone you care about make choices you feel are deeply damaging. Especially when you’ve already walked with them through the fallout the first time. And now, watching her dive back in — it’s no wonder you’re reeling.

She’s like a sister to you. She’s been there for you, and you’ve been there for her. This is a friendship with real history and depth. That’s why her decision to get back with this man — and to tell you by text — feels like a betrayal. I’d imagine the reason she texted rather than called is because she knew how you’d react. Maybe she even struggled to send the message at all.

By the way — credit where it’s due — telling her the truth back then took courage. You risked your friendship to protect her, and you did it with compassion. That same approach is what’s needed now.

Before you speak to her, think ahead. What if she tells you they’re moving in together? What if she says they’re getting married? These things might already be in motion — they were engaged before. Be ready.

When you do talk to her, don’t launch into a full-blown “what are you doing?!” — even if every part of you wants to. Instead, start with something like, “talk me through how you two ended up reconnecting”. Let her tell you, without judgment, how it unfolded. Just listen.

Then, once she’s finished, gently bring up the past. Say you want to go back over everything that happened before — not to attack her, but to help her remember the full picture.

People don’t change without real effort and accountability, and if she’s saying he has changed, she may be too close to the situation to see clearly.

Ask her, too, about the text. Why not a phone call? Why now? Has something shifted between you two that you didn’t notice? Her behaviour has clearly changed — is it because of him? Or is she pulling away from you for another reason? You have the right to ask, especially because your friendship has been so deep and long-standing.

You’re clearly writing because this friendship means the world to you — and that’s not something to dismiss lightly. The reality is, you’re now in a very tough spot. You know what he did. You saw it. You were there through the fallout. Now you’re being asked to pretend that didn’t happen. That’s a huge ask — maybe even an impossible one.

So what now? Do you bite your tongue, tolerate him for the sake of your friendship? What if they get engaged again and you’re asked to be maid of honour? Or do you draw a line and say: “If you’re with him, I can’t be part of your life.”

Only you can answer that.

Here’s what I’d say — keep coming back to the foundation of your friendship. You love her. You want what’s best for her. You’re not trying to control her, you’re trying to protect her. Be honest with her. Be honest with yourself. Remember: You’re coming from a place of love — even if that love is angry and hurt.

These friendships — the real ones — they’re rare. They don’t come easy, and they’re worth fighting for. However, fighting for doesn’t always mean agreeing with. Sometimes, it means standing your ground — and hoping your friend finds her way back to you when she can see the full picture again.