Richard Hogan: You're not losing your mind — you're burnt out

"One of the first signs of burnout is a feeling of detachment. The numb feeling you describe. This is your brain's way of telling you, what you are experiencing is too much to process."

This week, I answer a letter from a reader.

Dear Richard,

I really need some advice. I feel like everything I have worked for is falling apart. I am 52 years old and the mother to three beautiful children (15, 11, 9).

I’m finding things very difficult. I recently had a huge fight with my husband because he is not pulling his weight in the house. I have to do everything,

I think I am at burnout. I can’t keep going. I have a very difficult, but well-paying job.

I know I’m stressed because of it, but we have a lot of financial burden. I earn more money than my husband, and I think he resents that. It all came to a head last night.

When I told him he needed to do more in the house, he roared at me that I am making him unhappy. He said I am not a good mother and that he wished he had never met me.

My oldest daughter witnessed all of this and was crying. My youngest son told me that I was a good mother. 

I know I have been very stressed and quick to give out to the children lately. I’m an only child, and my parents are not well. I’m all over the place. I’m not myself. I feel numb. I think I’m losing everything.

Burnout is a very real thing. It can impact every aspect of our lives.

Work is not the only thing that can burn us out.

When there is an inequity in the house, and the chores and responsibilities are firmly placed on one person’s shoulders, it can be the seeds of all sorts of discontent. All families fall into a homeostasis, balance.

Sometimes that balance can be very uneven. If you are the person taking on all the responsibilities to keep the family going, this will be unsustainable and cause conflict in the family.

It will also cause you to be burnt out. I think what you have described in your email is a very common story for many women; working in a demanding job, looking after their parents as they age, dealing with all the families' responsibilities, lunches, uniforms, dropping and collecting kids, and having no time for themselves.

This is not a healthy dynamic. This is not balance. What you are feeling is the results of trying to manage all of this imbalance.

You are not losing your mind, you are burnt out.

One of the first signs of burnout is a feeling of detachment. The numb feeling you describe. This is your brain's way of telling you, what you are experiencing is too much to process.

I meet so many women in my clinic who are overwhelmed by all that they have to do.

I think there are still very negative gender ideas in our society about ‘a woman’s role'. Therefore, an inequity can develop very quickly.

Because unlike your mother's time, when women generally stayed at home and looked after everything in the house, while the husband went out to work, in today’s world women generally work while also managing all of the house duties.

So, the strain is more profound than ever before. This is something we all need to look at and change.

I think men also struggle because their role in the family has irrevocably changed in the last thirty years.

But that doesn’t mean there should be such an inequity in the house. You can’t keep going with the way things are. It is not fair. It is causing you to be burnt out.

As I said, all systems fall into a balance. When we try to change that balance it will often resist and push back.

I think what your husband said to your request for him to do more around the house, was exactly that.

He is pushing back against any attempt to change the balance. We sometimes say hurtful things, when we are fearful. Why would your husband be so scared of taking responsibility? I would sit down with him, when you are both calm and discuss what he said.

I would also lay out the imbalance in the family dynamic and how you need him to take more responsibility.

Try to do this in a way that is not confrontational. I don’t know how your husband was reared but think about the messages he received when he was young about relationships from his parents.

Does he have an anachronistic idea about women and men and their role in the house?

You said he resents the fact you make more money, that is not something you should be made to feel negative about.

That is his insecurity, not yours. You said your husband roared at you that you are not a good mother.

This is not acceptable behaviour from your partner. And you should not accept this. I would talk to him about it, and how inappropriate it is for him to say something like that in front of the children.

It might be a good idea to go and talk to someone about how you are feeling, and also think about couples therapy.

It really sounds like you are overwhelmed with everything. But ultimately your husband needs to stand up and meet the responsibilities that being a father, and husband demand. You should not do everything.