Richard Hogan: It's OK for sex to simmer down as we get older

I don’t think too many people talk about how our 40s stretch us to the point of breaking. Intimacy can really fall down the hierarchy of needs as we move in to middle age. 

To love is the greatest thing humans do. There is no other greater achievement. 

We may construct huge buildings, acquire great wealth, achieve great prominence, but, in the end, love is it. It is the sum and summit of our earthly experience. 

We can sometimes lose sight of that fact. We get dragged in to Western ideas about materialism and property. And worry about stuff that isn’t important.

But as the movie goes, ‘If you actually look for it, love, actually, is all around us’. A question I get asked a lot in my work as a family therapist is how a couple can keep the love as they age.

Of course, those early moments of unbridled physical adventure don’t last.

I mean, it would be hard to get the lunches done, the uniform ready, bags packed, teeth brushed, stories told, if you were still in the throes of those early romantic passions every night, before putting the children to bed. 

Nothing would get done! The children would go hungry.

It would be disturbing for the children to see through half-closed eyes as their parents mauled the face off each other, spreading butter on the sandwiches. 

Maybe that oxytocin-connecting passion fades, but it is possible to stay connected in the busyness of it all.

And maybe that passion isn’t meant to last. Maybe a deeper connection forms as we age, one that is less centred on physical intimacy and more on emotional intimacy.

I don’t mean that physical intimacy dissipates, but I am suggesting that as we age together we may not be as physically intimate as we once were.

And maybe that’s OK. Maybe the saying should be; ‘It’s OK to be OK at l’amour in middle age’, except that’s not very catchy.

Couples often coyly tell me about the lack of intimacy in their lives. They are ashamed that intimacy has collapsed. But there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

The pressure on a couple can be extraordinary. It is an important topic to discuss.

I don’t think too many people talk about how our 40s stretch us to the point of breaking. Intimacy can really fall down the hierarchy of needs as we move in to middle age. 

We can become like that old statesman walking through Stephen’s Green, muttering to ourselves about the young in one another’s arms, the birds in the trees.

Cynically observing young lovers and the portents all around them, nostalgic for those early romantic days, we can feel like we are the only ones lacking intimacy.

But it is common. We all go through peaks and troughs in libido and intimacy as we journey through life. That is normal.

But because we are embarrassed to talk about it, we all feel like we are the only ones going through it.

Yes, it dips. Again, normal. Men lose about 1% to 2% of testosterone each year after they hit 40. Of course, menopause impacts a woman’s libido.

So there are biological reasons for this nadir in sexual desire. But we can work at it. 

Physical intimacy is such a restorative and healing experience for a couple. We should not let it fade completely as we age. 

In fact, remaining intimate will be one of the most important ingredients in a happy, healthy marriage: It just won’t be the intensity it was in those early days. But that’s OK.

No marriage is happy all the time. We all fight. But how we fight and what we say to each other are vitally important for our self-esteem and intimacy. 

If we say really heavy things in a fight, it is hard to move back in to a close relationship after the fight has resolved.

Words matter and they linger long after the heat of an argument has abated. We often say very hurtful things because we are feeling vulnerable. 

But if we expressed that vulnerability rather than trying to hide it with harsh words, perhaps we wouldn’t say such awful things to each other.

How we resolve conflict is paramount for a healthy marriage.

Silence, and unspoken tensions, do not resolve anything; they only ensure future strife. The moment tension creeps back in, those hurtful words will be launched out again.

Working on communication and resolving issues that arise in the complexity of our modern lives are things we all need to work at.

Another aspect of healthy marriage is having your own identity. Often, we get lost in the marriage.

We transmute in to ‘mom’ or ‘dad’, with very little sense of ourselves. But a healthy marriage is one that allows us to be a part of it and separate from it.

We had an identify before we got married or entered in to a serious relationship, and we should not allow that to disappear.

Meeting friends, going away for weekends with friends, and doing things you used to do when you were single are all important activities for a healthy marriage. 

I hear so many men in my clinic, recalling how they loved those weekends when they were single, and how they would give anything to still have those experiences in their lives.

That should not be the legacy of marriage.

Of course we are busy, and have more commitments than when we were single.

But children should see their parents thriving, so they know what it looks like as they move in to adult life.