Dear Dáithí: My sister has decided I'm minding our aging mother - without consulting me 

In any situation in life no matter what it is if you focus on problems, you will find more problems and it’s the same with solutions, so we focus on solutions

Dáithí Ó Sé: "You have only one mom. Can you imagine if she spent the last few years of her life thinking that her two daughters didn’t want her around after all she has done for you." Picture: Domnick Walsh.

Dear Dáithí, 

I'm having a problem with my sister. I've reached an impasse and I'm not sure where to go from here. 

Our mother, who up until six months ago, was a very active, healthy woman, broke her ankle and then got an infection, and long story short, she now needs a lot of help.  

Over Christmas she came to stay with me, for what was supposed to be two weeks. 

Nearly four weeks later, she's still here. My sister had promised she'd take her next but keeps making excuses. She says her family life is too busy right now. My mother helped her so much when her kids were small, minding them most days. 

I'm single, and my sister thinks that automatically means my mother should live with me. 

I love my mother, but this has all happened without any discussion. My sister is now not answering my calls. My mother can sense the tension, and I feel awful, but I feel my life has been taken over.  

Before I get into any problems or solutions, the greatest thing about this is that your mother is still with you and outside some minor mobility issues she is in good form and more importantly her mind is in a good place.

You have noticed that she is picking up on the tension between you and your sister, she’s no fool and I think the most important thing is that she isn’t made to feel like she is coming in the way.

Only two people can do something about this, and you are one of them, so be incredibly careful around this. We can’t have a situation either where she turns into a human basketball being passed around from day to day. We need to plan something proper so that your mom feels safe, loved, and cherished.

You have only one mom. Can you imagine if she spent the last few years of her life thinking that her two daughters didn’t want her around after all she has done for you? How would you feel when she does eventually go knowing that you didn’t do as much as you should have?

So now is the time to act.

First of all, here’s what you can’t do, land over to your sister’s with mom in the car saying: ‘You won’t answer my calls, and you are sticking your head in the sand, now here is mom’. So that is off the table.

All the communications you have with your sister about this need to be kept well away from your mother from now on, but before making contact with your sister, I would ask your mother what she would like to do, where would she like to be, and take it from there.

For example, if she wants to be with you all the time, that is the time to say you have work, etc and you wouldn’t be able to mind her 24/7.

This isn’t being mean or unfair, you’re being honest, and your mother will know that this is true, so there will be no real conflict there.

Now because your sister is acting like a baby and not answering your calls, here is what I would do.

Make out a schedule, a monthly one or maybe weekly, wherever you think best, and when you’ve that done go over to your sister’s house at a time when you know she’s there and ring the doorbell.

You are going in to talk about mom’s future, but before you start talking about your mom, ask her is everything OK with her.

She was making excuses, ask her about them. There might be something big going on in her life or she might be bluffing, either way you’re going to have the mom chat.

Show her the schedule and ask her her thoughts on that and don’t leave without some kind of an agreement. I wouldn’t even go into what your mother has done for her and the kids when they were small or that you’re single, that really isn’t the issue here.

She should know that without you saying anything.

To be honest, the fact that she is acting like this is lousy and very unfair on you and your mom, by the way.

Unless she has something big going on in the background, she is being very selfish.

Also, she is depriving your mother of her grandchildren, grandchildren who have been minded by her from a very young age and who, I’d imagine, have a great bond with her. What’s that all about?

You are single and let’s call a spade a spade, your mom has only been there for four weeks, not four years.

I feel like you’re panicking a bit here.

Until this is sorted you are going to have to alter your life a little bit and, for the sake of your mother, that isn’t a lot to ask for.

You will feel better about yourself that this is the way you choose to act, unlike your sand-head-sticking sister.

In a situation like this, there are two things you can do: focus on the problem or solutions. In any situation, no matter what it is, if you focus on problems, you will find more problems, and it’s the same with solutions — so we focus on solutions.

The problem in this case is not mom, it’s ‘what will we do with mom’ and if you go down this road there is a problem pothole every 10 yards.

So, the question should be what the best solution for mom is so she can be happy, and then all the solutions that follow will bring you to a different place altogether.

So focus on the solutions and how you and your sister will execute them best.

Good luck.