Ask Audrey: Should I take things further with my sister's boyfriend?

Ask Audrey: sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello it’s Rosealeen in Ballydesmond. 

Bad cess to restraint, it’s dry January here for Rosealeen in Ballydesmond, so I’m on dry white wine for the month and never before 1 o’clock, unless the sermon is dragging on a bit. 

To make matters worse, Berna is doing a digital detox, so she’s going around with a brick of a phone that makes her look like someone from Knocknagree. 

Didn’t she get one for me too, with the result that I’m relatively sober AND unable to find a man with a dating app. 

Well didn’t Berna come up with a genius business idea – we’re running an old-school matchmaking service for rural people doing a digital detox. 

We can’t cope with the business we’re getting, people are writing us long letters full of saucy secrets, I’m worn out trying to stop Berna from blackmailing them. 

Best of all of course, we’re keeping the best lads for ourselves. I’m dating one of our clients, Tim Tom Seanie, and he told me everything about himself in a letter so I don’t even have to pump him for information (don’t be so smutty). 

Our only problem is our matchmaking service is missing a name. Berna wants to call it The Love Detector, but that sounds like something you’d order off Amazon only for it to be opened in the post office and now the whole parish knows. 

So what should we call it tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My ex is good with words, I rang him there and said what would you call a matchmaking service for people in north Cork? He said, Bring Back That Love in Meelin.

My younger sister is doing the round the world thing at the moment and didn’t she find herself a boyfriend in Thailand. 

He’s from Tipperary, Mummy is devastated, but it’s to be expected because Irish people don’t talk to foreigners when we travel around the world. 

We’ve seen him on a few Facetime videos, he has one of those mullets popular with culchies, I can’t wait to see the reaction up here in St Lukes when they arrive back next week. (It’s like she captured a live bogman!) 

That’s not why I’m writing to you though. 

You see, the minute we were told about this Cian from Cashel I started doing a bit of a stalk on social media, and ended up following him on Instagram. 

He followed me back in six seconds, which turned me on to be honest. 

It’s hard to feel attractive when you have two small kids hanging off you all day, so things got spicy when Cian sent me a DM telling me how much he liked a photo of me at the Christmas swim. (I didn’t go in, myself and my bee-atches only went down to Myrtleville so we could get winter bikini shots for the Insta.) 

I sent him back an even more intimate photo of myself, I really shouldn’t but I’m like a cat in heat for this tractor fanatic. 

He’ll be at Mummy’s house next week with my sister – do you think I should take things further? 

- Jane, St Lukes.

I stole my sister’s boyfriend and we haven’t talked since. Well, I’m not talking to her to be more precise, because it was My Conor and she could have warned me.

It’s getting picky on our WhatsApp group Douglas Road Stunners Who Wouldn’t Be Seen Dead in Row 21. 

It’s the season for booking spring city breaks with our husbands and the first thing we do when we get on the flight (Aer Lingus obvs) is start judging poor people in the cheapest rows, 19 to 24 Audrey, you probably know that being from Ballinlough. 

Anyway, My Ken jumped the gun this year and booked our steamy break to Valencia, with Ryanair!! So I’m in trouble straight away. 

Fifi Mac got a six week suspension from The Stunners last year for flying with Aer Lingus Regional or whatever it’s called, the one with the propellers, total no-no. 

Ryanair could get me booted out for life. To make matters worse, My Ken booked the cheapest seat on Ryanair! They’ll probably have me selling raffle tickets. 

I don’t want to upset My Ken, he thinks he’s done a good thing, but it isn’t his reputation on the line. Will he think I’m an awful snob if I refuse to go? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road.

Jenni, you’re an awful snob either way. What have you got to lose?

C’mere, what’s the story with a sleep divorce? I got the flu there over Christmas and I’m even keeping myself awake with all the snoring. 

The Old Doll announced yesterday that she wants a sleep divorce. 

I started bawling because I think this is just a lead up to an actual break-up and I’d miss her something terrible, the rent in our apartment is shocking. 

She told me to cop on and sleep in the spare room until I stop making so much noise. 

That can’t be right, I’m sick, surely I should be allowed to sleep in the good bed. Do you think I should stand up for myself? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

Sorry Donie, no go. A woman should never be asked to leave her own bed, unless it’s a bootie call from an Italian guy who does his amazing thing with his tongue. (I’ve a new boyfriend!!)