Ask Audrey: Our rural retreat is clearing ten grand a weekend — but we're miserable

Ask Audrey: sorting out Cork people for ages

Hello it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Bad cess to Berna and her New Year resolutions, hasn’t she decided we’re going to lose a stone each before our trip to the Canaries for Easter. 

She is sick of the no-hopers we tend to attract in the discos and “wants to go up a division” as she puts it herself and maybe snag a lad with a yacht. 

Good luck with that in Puerto del Carmen says I, but Berna wants what Berna wants, there is no point in fighting it. 

To make matters worse, she has organised a swimwear night in the local here in Ballydesmond in late January, to give us an incentive to stick with the diet. 

Well I’d say there won’t be bus available to rent in east Kerry with all the perverts coming over from Scartaglin. 

The night is being run to raise funds for local charities. Hopefully there will be a charity for the post traumatic stress disorder you’d get after spotting someone from Knocknagree in a bikini. 

Anyway look, I want to make sure that I get a snazzy swimsuit because I don’t want people thinking I’m from Kanturk. Where would be the best place to find one, tell me? 

- Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

My niece is a costume designer. I said what piece of swimwear would you recommend to middle-aged woman in north Cork? She said, a DryRobe. #Harsh

My son Cian and his wife have finally gone back to their house after Christmas. 

She’s not too bad for someone from Limerick, but I’ve disliked Cian since he was seven. 

I know you’re not supposed to say that about your own children, but he reminds me of his father and at least I was able to divorce him. 

My snake of an ex spends Christmas with his new girlfriend on the Costa del Sol (if you can call a 62 year old professional dog-walker a ‘girl’). 

I keep saying to Cian, wouldn’t it be lovely to spend Christmas in the south of Spain with your Dad, I’m sure he’d love to spend time with you, there’s a first time for everything? 

But no, I’m stuck looking at him delighted with himself because he’s looking after his mother at Christmas time. 

I wish I could just say, “Stay at home Cian, you’re ruining my Christmas sitting there with your father’s head reminding me of my dire life choices.” 

Is there a nice way to say that?

-  Clodagh, Ballinhassig

You’re expecting me to convince someone they should spend the happiest time of the year in Limerick? I’m good, Clodagh. But I’m not that good.

C’mere, what’s the story with Chinese spies? 

The old doll is mad for buying cheap stuff from China, it do drive her sister mad when she gets a bargain. Now, it doesn’t always work. 

She bought a cardigan in November for four euro and it was tiny when it arrived. 

I said to her, you’re wrecking the environment, flying a cardigan that wouldn’t fit a kitten half way round the world. 

She said, I wonder could you get a kitten from China. She’s obsessed. 

She got me a Chinese version of Alexa for Christmas, 20 euro. 

It’s called Arry and it’s so good that it had picked up a Cork accent by Stephen’s Day. 

I say, “Arry boy, Play Madonna, Like a Virgin” and Arry says, “That’s brutal Dowcha Donie, broo-tal.” My man Budgie came over for an evening of cans and FIFA and didn’t he take a turn against Arry. 

He told me Arry is spying on me for the Chinese. I’m going, “Would you ever cop on Budgie?”, and then Arry goes “Ya Budgie, cop on ya gowl.” 

Now I’m starting to suspect that Budgie might be on to something. How can I check if Arry is spying for the Chinese? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I rang the Chinese embassy there and said I’ve been meaning to call you for a while. They said, we know. #Yikes

How’re oo goin on? Herself did a course online before Christmas about rural regeneration and didn’t she decide to open something called a Wellness Retreat in the field below, to profit from sad people in the cities. 

I said to her, what’s a wellness retreat tell me and she replied I’m not sure Dan Paddy Andy, but go into Bantry and buy every last stick of incense you can get your hands on. 

We did what they call a soft opening the other day and wasn’t there a queue of gobshites outside our front gate the first morning, people are terrible eejits. 

I brought them down to the shed anyway where the wife’s sister was playing the harp, sat them around in a circle and lit some incense. 

One of them started crying and said his inner child was very upset. They all started crying at this news, I bolted out the door because that kind of misery is contagious. 

We’re clearing 10 grand a weekend out of these people, but it’s a drag being around them. Would it be a good idea to tell them to cheer up to feck? 

- Dan Paddy Andy, Outside Dunmanway

You’re missing the point. Wellness Retreats are all about finding someone more miserable than yourself. All bar one person will leave happy.