Ask Audrey: 'The wife insists she’s been dropping hints since September... I haven't a clue what to get her'

Sorting out Cork people for ages

I was sick and tired of going out with lads with bad knees and sore arms and that craic so I downloaded this dating app for fit people called Fancy Some Action? 

I’m from the richest family in West Cork. One of the worst things about living down here is you have to pretend there is no class system, that everyone is the same. Well I wonder how many people in my home town of Bandon have a a summer villa in San Gimignano. (That’s in Italy, a lot of people have never heard of it.) 

Anyway, I have a few bits to get in Cork city this weekend and I’m dreading the traffic and the no-hopers in from north Cork to buy some cheap lingerie for herself. My sister said I should use the Park and Ride by the Kinsale road roundabout, it’s a wonderful way to beat the traffic. I’m just worried that someone from the smart set in West Cork will take a photo of me getting off the bus on Patrick Street and I’ll be shunned at the hunt on Stephen’s Day.