Richard Hogan: Look after number one for a change and stop being such a people-pleaser

Richard Hogan: "Often the eldest daughter is told very early in their life that they are such a good big sister. This becomes their value. Being good equals saying ‘yes’. They learn very early in their development that their only value is being compliant and saying ‘yes’. They are the good sister, the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother and then they finally become the good daughter again as they look after their elderly parents."

Does this sound familiar? 

A work colleague asks you to do something that isn’t your responsibility to do, you don’t want to do it, in fact you don’t have time for it with all your other commitments, you want to say ‘no’ — you know you should say ‘no’ but instead you reply, ‘sure no problem’.

As soon as they leave, you’re left wondering; ‘why the hell can’t I say no — why can other people say no and I can’t?’

It’s a very good question to ask. One you should try to figure out before you become cynical and resentful.

I have been saying this for many years in my clinic: ‘A people pleaser pleases no one, least of all themselves.’ In my experience they become resentful of those that position them as pleasers, and suffer self-loathing for allowing themselves to be so easily positioned as a ‘yes person’.

It might seem like a small thing, wanting to please others. But when we struggle to say ‘no’, it can be the rot wood of our souls and the seeds of midlife disquiet.

When I’m working with clients on this area of their life, I often do a little roleplay. 

I say: “‘Imagine for a moment I am your colleague, I come to you to ask you to do something for me. You say ‘no, I have too much on’. Now, I’m down in the pub chatting with someone and say ‘I asked Mary to help me with this task and she said she’s too busy, Mary is a *****’. I ask them to give me the worst thing that I could say about them in that moment. I always hear the same idea. They say ‘Mary is very unhelpful’ or ‘Mary is useless’.”

‘Unhelpful’ and ‘useless’ are the two most feared words by a people pleaser.

Let’s look at why we find it hard to be authentic. Because that is what we are talking about here. No one wants to say ‘yes’ all the time. It’s exhausting.

Also when you say ‘yes’ to everything, your ‘yes’ has no value. People see that it has no value and they don’t value you, because they realise you don’t value yourself.

Respecting yourself enough to say ‘no’ when you don’t want to do something is vital if you want others to respect you.

We teach people how to interact with us, and when we say ‘yes’ to everything, we teach people that is who we are. Inauthentic and lacking self-respect.

There are five big personality traits, agreeableness is one of those traits.

Women typically have higher levels of agreeableness due to evolution and the needs of babies. 

In those early moments of life, if a woman didn’t put the needs of the baby first we would not have managed to get so far in this journey. So, they might struggle with this more than men.

Of course, I have worked with very agreeable men too. But when you think of the messages society has given women about being carers and being ‘good’, you can see why women might struggle with this more than men.

Where you come in the family matters too. Often the eldest daughter really labours with this. 

They are told very early in their life that they are such a good big sister. This becomes their value. Being good equals saying ‘yes’.

They learn very early in their development that their only value is being compliant and saying ‘yes’. 

They are the good sister, the good daughter, the good wife, the good mother and then they finally become the good daughter again as they look after their elderly parents. What a brutal paradigm to live by. Utterly unsustainable and unfair.

But there is good news. You can dare to disturb your universe.

Remember we all get programmed by our family of origin and the society we come up in. However, we are not what happened to us but who we choose to become. We can become more authentic, but it takes work.

If you are a chronic pleaser and know you are not pleasing yourself, it is time to change.

Firstly I want to acknowledge that it will be difficult to do this. 

It’s not as simple as just saying ‘no’ after a lifetime of believing you have to say ‘yes’ to be valuable. So, this will be uncomfortable. 

It will be like writing with your left hand if you are right hand dominant. You have to lean into the discomfort.

The key thing to remember is that you were given those messages so that you would be helpful to your family. Your only value is not ‘yes’, it is also ‘no’.

The difference between a, ‘no’ and ‘yes’ person is that the person who says ‘no’ is comfortable with others’ discomfort.

They understand that someone being annoyed with them for saying ‘no’ is not their issue. This will take practice. 

It will feel uncomfortable, but once you start to do it, you will see how people react.

At first they will try to push you back into the role you have always played, but if you stay strong, they will soon learn that this is how you are now. And they will start to respect you. You will start to respect yourself too.

Christmas is coming, it’s the season of people pleasing.

I’m not saying ‘bah humbug’, I’m saying be authentic.