Ask Audrey: The auld doll wants me to try Jackie Lennox's before it closes

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Jackie Lennox's Chipper: a chipper funeral that leads to civil war on the Northside?

C’mere, what’s the story with Lennox’s? 

The old doll is from the southside, God help us, she arrived in from work yesterday bawling, her Mam had just been on to her (bawling) because Lennox’s chip shop was closing down. 

Cop on girl I said to her, what’s all the fuss? 

So she starts banging on about how Lennox’s was part of her childhood growing up, herself and her sisters went there when they were langers, on and on she went, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see the Barrack Street Band marching in our front door. 

Sorry, I’m a N orrie – I couldn’t give a flute what chips ye ate on the southside, I says to her. 

She said, did you ever eat in Lennox’s? I said no girl, it’s an unwritten rule in Cork that you don’t cross the river for your breast in a bun. 

So she says, enough of that, I’m bringing you on a tour of southside chippers, starting tomorrow. 

I said ok girl, but I’m nervous Audrey because Norries don’t like chipper traitors. 

Budgie was spotted in Dino’s after a match in Turner’s Cross and someone painted Judas on his Mam’s driveway. It’s that tense. 

So like, how could I disguise myself as a southsider? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool.

T here’s a very easy way to spot a southsider in a chipper – they’re the one asking the guy at the counter if his beef is organic.

How much sex is too much sex on a weekend break? 

Myself and my husband Paul are going to a five-star hotel this weekend, we got it for next to nothing because it’s in Kilkenny. 

This is our first time away together since the twins were born and it’s fair to say our sex life is well short of the ‘swinging off the chandelier’ level we had before the kids arrived. 

(We went through a fair few chandeliers, you can can get them reasonably enough on DoneDeal. ) 

I like to know what I’m getting into in any situation, so I asked Paul how many times he was planning to have sex while we’re away. 

He said he’d like to do it four times, maybe five if it’s raining. I said three times max Paul, I’ve treatments booked for most of our stay and it’s not like I’m from Kinsale. 

He said that’s a problem because he has a bet on with his brother that we’ d do it at least four times.

I was going to kill him until he said the bet was for 500 quid and you can’t turn down that kind of money. Is it weird to have sex with your husband for money? 

- Claire, Ballincollig.

Why else would you do it?

What’s the best way to force kids to like the music you like? My son is 11 now, so he’d bite off his leg if he thought it would allow him to play more Fortnite. (That’s a video game Audrey, I’m not sure if ye are up to date with things in Ballinlough.) 

The problem is Fortnite is introducing my son to a lot of songs that I thought I’d managed to put behind me. 

This came to a head last weekend when I was driving himself and his friends to a match in Macroom. 

*NSYNC, do you remember them, a boy-band, they sang that song Bye Bye Bye. Well it’s a thing on Fortnite, so my 11-year-old son insisted that we play it in the car. 

It’s bad enough having to go to Macroom, but himself and his friends sang Bye Bye Bye all the way there and back. 

I tried to get them to listen to Nirvana but they started crying because the songs were so depressing. Kids are terrible really. 

I don’t want to stop him playing Fortnite because then I'd have to parent him, no thanks. How can I get him over his obsession with  *NSYNC? 

- Eddie, Ovens.

First of all, on behalf of everyone in Ballinlough, stop pretending to be up with the latest trends, you live in Ovens. 

Secondly, I don’t think anyone should be forced to listen to NSYNC. So, take him out of soccer.

Hey. So we’re doing the open day thing at the moment, our son Kyle is going to secondary school next year. 

We looked at three schools in our area. Kyle and his mother were all questions about film clubs and school tours. 

Me, I was just eyeing up hot female teachers. On the qt obviously, my wife has no idea that we have an open marriage. 

One school had an outrageous geography teacher, we’re talking an 11 here , I’d definitely be getting my hair cut before the parent-teacher meeting. 

Kyle isn’t gone on this school, they play hurling, but I’ll stop at nothing to get him in there. How can I persuade him to apply? 

- Jeffrey , Bishopstown (not my real name.)

I know, Jeffrey is pretentious, even for Bishopstown. 

I sent my daughter to a particular school because I fancied the history teacher. 

She fell in love with him herself, became a history nut and she’s an absolute dinger to have in your team in a table quiz. 

You never know what life has in store, really.