Dear Dáithí: My boyfriend is generous but I end up paying the price

Dáithí Ó Sé: I think you are really writing to me because you are wondering if you are with the right person. Picture: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,  

My partner and I have a whole lot of weddings this year. It's just the stage of life we're in, a lot of our friends are getting married. My partner has a lot of cousins his own age and they also all seem to be walking down the aisle in the last couple of years. 

The problem is my partner and his attitude towards money, it's really come to the fore with the wedding gifts. We're with each other three years, he's great, but he's the youngest in his family, he still lives at home, he doesn't pay bills, and he is useless with money. 

I've lived away from home since college and I would never live beyond my means, it's just not how I was brought up. He wants to give lavish cash gifts for the weddings. I think €250 from us both is perfectly acceptable, but he insists on putting in €500 — and once he put in €1000 and asked me for half.  

Then, he buys rounds of drinks for everyone and is seen as the life of the party. I love that he is generous but then he is broke for weeks, I have to pay for our nights out or we have to skip things because he has no money. I know he borrows from his dad a lot, but he's cagey when I ask about it. I don't want to always be the nag. 

We are thinking about buying a house, but I'm looking at my future with this guy and wonder if he will ever get it together to even have a deposit. What should I do?

I think we all go through that time when all the friends start getting married, the same thing happened to us a long time ago and at the time it was very exciting, but it can be a costly affair if you want it to be and that is only one of the dilemmas we have here. On one side here we have someone who hasn’t paid a bill in his life and seems to still have a magic well that will one day run or be milked dry and then we have you. I know that this letter from the outside looking in is about your current money situation, but I think you are really writing to me because you are at a real crossroads now and are wondering if you are with the right person.

I’d have the very same attitude to money as you have as I too left home at a similar age and know the worth of a euro and to be dealing with someone who doesn’t understand can be hard, they know the price of everything but the value of nothing. I’m not saying that this is a deal breaker at this moment in time, but it could be if you don’t deal with it now and now is the time to do it. Money issues can be tough at the best of times. I’ve always said that money issues don’t change a person, it unmasks them.

Wedding gifts can be tricky if you allow them to be. €500 for a gift for somebody outside a brother, sister or best friend is a lot and if I’m being honest €250 for a couple is probably on the short side. I’d go with €300 and by doing that, everything is covered. Giving a €1000 is stupid and he needs a kick in the hole for asking you for a half. What a lousy thing to do to you and why, so the couple could go around telling everyone how great he is? I really hope that that was a one-off scenario.

Now, you do say that you like that he is generous and I like that in people too, but its having an effect on the rest of your time when he can’t go out because he has spent all his money and you, who minds your money, has to pay for nights out. I’m sorry but this guy needs to learn the hard way the next time he has not money to go out leave him at home. The fact here is that you and his dad has enabled his behaviour so he thinks everything will always be fine and it will be, until something changes.

He doesn’t like it when you question him about getting money from his father. That’s because he’s probably embarrassed about it, but not embarrassed enough to stop taking the money from his dad.

So, is it you or ye that’s thinking of buying a house? This is the real question. It sounds like you really want to but are wondering if you’ll end up doing it all alone in one way or another. This is where the real conversation has to be had. I do get from your letter that he is a really nice guy, but the money thing needs to be dealt with. So, you need to talk to him, you need to make a concrete plan going forward. Even a joint bank account that both of you put the same amount into it every month, especially for the deposit for the house. You both need to make a deal about all these weddings, and he must realize that having a decent house is more important than any wedding presents. If you have good friends getting married chat to them and make a deal saying that you will give each other the same amount. I think this makes a lot of sense. It should be about being there with your friends and not the amount you give them.

This guy might not be ready for this move and if he’s not then you have a bit of thinking to do. It might be the thing that makes or break ye and if so, you have to accept that too. You are really at a huge crossroads here and the next few weeks will tell a lot.

All that said, don’t forget to enjoy all those weddings and, most importantly, enjoy the people at them. When you get to my age, you will treat the wedding invitation like a court summons and you’ll almost hate the postman for bringing it, or that might be just me. The last invitation I opened all this glitter fell out on the floor and I’m still finding it in the kitchen. So, yes go and enjoy those weddings!

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