Dear Dáithí: Is my long-term friendship worth saving if she expects too much?

Dáithí Ó Sé, a West Kerry man and Irish television presenter, answers your questions. Picture: Domnick Walsh.

Dear Dáithí, 

I have had a falling out with a friend of many years. She has been going through a lot of different issues recently, for which I have been there for her. I don’t always agree with how she approaches things and sometimes makes things worse as she thinks that she is an exception to the rule.

I have been busy with my own family and prioritising them so may not have been as available as she would like. On a recent visit, she was very cold with me. The conversation was very stilted and just awkward.

We have not been in contact since then and I am reluctant to be the first to reach out as I feel that it is up to her to say if there is an issue or why she is upset with me. I am concerned that we will lose the friendship, but I also don’t feel I deserved to be treated like that. What would you advise?

There is a lot happening here and a lot at stake in one sense. Your friend has been through a lot, and that is always a tough place to be for anyone. From what you’ve said to me, some of it might be her own doing — which has left you as a passenger watching this all unfold in front of your eyes.

If you haven’t agreed with her on things and even if you have told her otherwise, I don’t think she has listened.

As you say, she is the exception to the rules — so what is happening here is that she is playing by her own rules and giving the two fingers to everything else.

She had put herself out on an island alone, well she is alone now as the population has halved recently.

It might seem from the outside that this break in communication might have come suddenly, but I don’t think so. It’s been coming for a long time. This person seems to need you in her life, and you are a very busy person and rightly so putting your family before everything. I’m not too sure she likes this and that is just tough tomatoes for her.

She wants to play this on her terms and by her rules? Sorry, that can’t happen

Yes, you can be there for her. But you have other priorities and I’m not even sure she cares about that.

It does sound like you have been very “available” to her, maybe too available, and now she doesn’t know what to do.

But you can’t blame yourself for being a good friend; can you say that she has been a good friend? Only you can answer that question. What I’m getting at here is that, if you are going to go back as friends with this person, it has to be made very clear that you are not on call 24/7 and that she is a friend — but your family will always come first.

If she has a problem with that, then you know what to do. It might be the wake-up call she needed, who knows?

This is bugging you and therefore you need to do something about it, but first of all that coldness and awkwardness that was there the last time you met was all from her side and was very childish.

Like, if she has something to say, just spit it out for God’s sake, you are not in primary school!

Take control

The problem here is that she hasn’t anything to give out to you about because you have been always there for her, you have been a good friend, and you are left wondering why she was there with a puss on her and upset with you and it’s you now that’s worrying about the friendship.

This won’t fix by itself, and this is your story now so take control of it.

I would reach out first and be the bigger person, even though she is in the wrong here. You will always get a lot more out of being the bigger person in a situation like this. I’d start with a text, go in soft and judge by the reply if you want to call her or meet her.

Tell her that you were thinking about her and was wondering why things got so weird. No harm in being straight up with it, it will get rid of the fluff.

She might have a reason, and it might all blow over fast or she might be sticking to her guns. 

Time will tell, but I would stick to your own guns

Let her know that your friendship is very important, but your family is No 1 and that is the way it’s going to be. Now you will be delivering this in a nice and polite manner. You are in charge, remember, and you control all of this. These are your rules.

I do get from your letter that you are two very different people, with two very different sets of values in life, and this too could be a crossroads where two people part ways and, if that’s the case, that’s ok too. Don’t be afraid of this path, it happens every day.

There is nothing worst than two people walking the same road only to be on opposite ditches. Life’s too short for this kind of stuff, but it’s very common.

A lot of times people just drift apart and this conversation never happens, and I think it is great that you think it’s worth a shot. This, to me, shows true character in you as a person.

You can only play your part, what comes back at you is 100% on her. Let’s hope that the last few weeks have woken her up to some reality.