Ask Audrey: What’s the story with getting aroused in a sauna?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: Sorting Cork people out for ages

Hey bro, so I got divorced there two years ago, the wife and two kids buzz wasn’t my bag, ya feelin’ me. 

I’d recommend it to any guy who doesn’t dig getting nagged by the old ball and chain to help with the washing, particularly when he’s busy trying to DM his ex on Instagram. 

I hired a personal trainer before telling my wife that I was out the gap, you need abs and muscle tone if you’re going to have any chance with a woman in her 20s. 

Totally hit the ground running on Tinder and I don’t want to boast, but there is a market out there for a 42-year-old hunk of muscle who’s allowed to borrow his brother’s Maserati. 

I never thought I’d say this, but there is such a thing as too much sex — so now I’ve settled down with this total 10 from the Rochestown Rd. 

My friends are wiped out, she’s 26, they are all starting to question what they did wrong with their lives. 

The problem is her friends. They’re hot and I’d probably sleep with them, if it wasn’t for all the oat-milk and sober-curious lifestyle going on. 

We’re heading to Electric Picnic this weekend and honestly, I’d rather lick the sweat off a Mayo woman. 

I’m starting to think I might be better off back with the wife. How can I win her back? 

— Ed, Douglas

Bit of bad news. Your wife has found someone new. Let’s just say she enjoys licking the sweat off a Mayo woman.

Hi from glorious West Cork. 

Myself and My Ken have been down here with the kids all summer, a little cove outside Crookhaven, we find Crook has gone a bit Ballinlough for our tastes, no offence obvs Audrey. 

It works a treat, Ken Range Rovers up to the office twice a week and I do a bit of life coaching over Zoom, but outside that it was life was rosé as they say, and we have tremendous pals down here. 

One of them, Ken as it turns out, announced the other night that he was done with Cork City and himself and Trudy are moving to West Cork permanently, sure they have the money. 

Well didn’t my Ken turn to me in bed later that night, here we go now with his smutty thoughts, but no, it was much worse than that. He wants to leave Cork and move to Schull! 

Sorry now — I’m a huge fan of late August oysters and Chablis on a yacht with some of the top families from the Blackrock Rd. 

But I have no interest in West Cork in November, making small talk with some hippy who stinks of white sage, when I could be lowering Negronis with Lorna G in Hayfield Manor. 

My Ken has suggested we split up for the winter, so I can return to the city. Do you think he’d find out if I had an affair? 

— Monica, Castle Rd (not my real name.)

Hi Sarah, I’d know you anywhere. I also know your Ken like the back of my hand, he’ll have no problem with you playing away from home.

C’mere, what’s the story with getting aroused in a sauna?

The Old Doll is a nightmare for the new thing, so when she heard that every beach in east Cork has one of those mobile sauna yolks, she just had to go on a tour. 

And Dowcha Donie here had to drive because she likes a glass of Cava after a swim. Off we went anyway, Garryvoe, into the water, out for a sauna, chatting with a very nice Danish couple over on their holidays. 

The old doll was getting a bit foolish with the Cava, which was just as well, because let’s just say there was a certain stiffening downstairs, and if you saw the Danish one you’d realise why, it was like sitting opposite Cameron Diaz. 

Off we went then to Inch, swim, sauna, this time we ended up with a local couple. Your one was in her 60s and she’d remind you more of my Aunt Betty than Cameron Diaz, but try and tell that to my wedding tackle, it went loud and proud again. 

What’s wrong with me? 

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

My cousin is a sex expert, although her husband claims they only do it twice a month. I rang her there and said, what would you say to a turned-on Norrie in a sauna? She said, ooh, that’s a hard one. (Soz.)

I’ve started seeing this guy from Clonmel. 

My mother is devastated, she keeps saying: “There goes the money we forked out sending you to Scoil Mhuire, down the drain.”

I keep telling her he’s quite refined for south Tipperary, so didn’t she invite us over for dinner on Sunday. 

I’m confident he’ll pass, but there’s one problem. He says ownded, rather than owned. 

I’ve called him out on it but he claimed Clonmel people have always said ownded rather than owned, it’s part of their culture and I was othering him. Sensitive much? 

But what can you do. How can I explain this to my mother, she’s bound to ask if he owns a house? 

— Clíona, Bishopstown.

I rang my friend the elocution teacher there and said, do people from Clonmel really say ownded. She said not really. I said why. She said, most of them don’t actually own anything.