Ask Audrey: Do you think I could pull out of a wedding on black tie grounds?

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice — it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: looking after Cork people for ages

C’mere, what’s the story with pretending you’re not from Cork?

I’m here in Corfu with the old doll, we arrived Monday, flew over straight after the match. The hotel is full of people from Clare, they shouldn’t be allowed have a passport, the accent do be drilling through me brain. 

I’m trying to hide the fact I’m from Cork to avoid the slagging, which means bye-bye to most of my summer wardrobe, but it doesn’t seem to be working and the Clare langballs keep doing jersey-pulling actions when I pass them by the pool, mocking me like. 

What do you think is giving me away?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool and Cork boi!!

Two things. Your hotel sounds like the 7th Circle of Hell. 

And I can’t be sure because I’m not there, but it’s roasting in Greece this week and you’re so Cork I bet your sweat smells of Tanora.

Hello it’s Rosealeen from Ballydesmond. Bad cess to Catholic guilt but I have a new boyfriend and he’s as randy as a bus-load from Boherbue. 

It’s not like he’s backward in coming forward for the rest of the week, but how in the name of Cromwell can I get him to stop at me all day Sunday with, ‘it’s a holy day if you get my drift, Rosealeen from Ballydesmond’ and that kind of craic? 

I said it to him, I said Liam, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of kink and half the fun in the old bangy-bangy is that we were told it was filthy growing up. 

But Sunday is supposed to be a day of rest — the last thing I need is to see you arriving at the door in your Batman suit and while we’re on the subject, super-heroes aren’t half the turn-on that you seem to think they are. 

Well Audrey didn’t he get very upset and say that he’s only pretending to be attracted to me Monday through Saturday and the awkward truth is that he’s only on for it on a Sunday. 

I think he might be the one, not least because he has 120 acres in the Golden Vale and a bad heart. Is it hard only having sex once a week?

— Rosealeen from Ballydesmond

I’ve been married for 22 years, so to be honest, I can’t remember.

My daughter and her husband were having trouble conceiving so they went down the sperm donor route three years ago. 

Myself and my husband Ken were very supportive, to the tune of 16 grand if I remember correctly because my daughter and her husband are only teachers, so they spend a fortune on summer holidays. 

We gave her the money on one condition — that the company supplying the sperm could give a cast-iron guarantee that the donor went to a fee-paying school, Pres or Christians. 

She swore blind she got such a guarantee and three years later we have a lovely grand-daughter, she’s the light of our lives. B

ut last Sunday we were watching the final round of the British Open Golf and I noticed that our lovely grand-daughter had no interest. 

Sorry now, but anyone whose father went to Pres or Christians is genetically bound to have an interest in the British Open. 

Worse again she kept asking us to switch over to the hurling final, as if we were a family of bin men. 

I’m wondering now did my daughter get her hands on some cheap sperm and spend the rest on a fortnight in the Seychelles. 

How can I tell if my grand-daughter is suitable for people like us?

— Brianna, Douglas Road

How do you know if a sperm went to Pres? Don’t worry, he’ll tell you!

Hi. My old college friend has invited me to her wedding in Killarney in few week’s time. 

We’ve gone our separate ways since UCC really — myself and my partner Kai have just come back from a Tantric Tattoo weekend in Berlin, while she’s working in her mother’s pharmacy in Tralee. 

This is worlds colliding shite here Audrey, because wasn’t there an addendum to her wedding invitation in our postbox when we got home to our bijou cottage on Albert Road, containing the two worst words in the English language. 

Black Tie. 

They’ve decided to go black tie for the wedding. I thought that had been made illegal in 2006, but then the Kerry crowd have always been way behind the times. 

Kai got this amazing pink linen suit second-hand in Berlin #Sustainable #HugMyPlanet, it’s so him, and now my bitch of a former friend wants him to dress up as a snooker player just so we can watch her marrying some slack-jawed chemical engineer from Kenmare. 

Sorry now if that sounds a bit judgey, but I don’t think I could stick a day with those kind of people. 

It’s nothing against Kerry as such — my sister has a Tantric Crystal business in Dingle — but I’m allergic to small-town Fine Gael types talking about some bar they like in Marbella. 

Do you think I could pull out of the wedding on Black Tie grounds?

— Qua, Albert Road and St Luke’s (my parents’ place.)

Sorry now, but I love a man in a tux. 

Unless he’s saying “not tonight love” outside a night club because I made it on to the second bottle of gin.