Ask Rosealeen: Ballydesmond's finest subs for Audrey — but don't ask for Taylor tickets

Taylor Swift performs at the Friends Arena in Stockholm, Sweden, Friday May 17, 2024. (Christine Olsson/TT News Agency via AP)

Well lads, there I was sunning myself down in my little mobile home in Garryvoe when the call came through that Audrey was gone off gallivanting again. Where is she gone this time says I? 

Says them she’s off to Glastonbury. Well I said Glasto be damned anyway because didn’t I have to upsticks quick smart back to Ballydesmond and whip out the laptop. 

I usually enjoy having things whipped out in the bedroom but there will be no action for me for the next few weeks, because its Agony Rosealeen back in the building. 

My back is already in agony from shtooping over this blasted screen but look it, let’s get stuck in.

Dear Rosealeen, 

My wife hasn’t been right since the local elections. She keeps wanting to be hoisted on top of my shoulders like the politicians when they are deemed elected. 

She is getting quite insistent on it, in fact. Just the other day we were at the farmer’s market in Midleton and she made quite the scene shouting “hoist me Jerry, for the love of God will you just bloody hoist me?” 

I am a teacher in the area and I could see there were one or two parents from the school looking on aghast. 

Can you please advise me about what to do. I have a reputation to maintain around the town and I can’t be hoisting Imelda up on top of my back left right and centre.

— Jerry McNulty, Midleton

Well Jerry, aren’t you the lucky duck that you still have a wife that wants to be flung around the place. 

My advice to you is the next time you are at the farmer’s market you hoist her up onto your shoulder and proudly display her to all of Midleton. 

There will come a time where she won’t want to look at you sideways so throw her up in the air fast before she hits the perimenopause!

My mother thinks I am gone to Dublin for a big job interview with a massive accountancy firm but I am actually queued up outside the AVIVA hoping I might get tickets for Taylor Swift. 

So I suppose my question to you is.....do you know anyone with a spare ticket for TayTay? 

I have spent the past two years making friendship bracelets to swap with people and I have 1,500 of them up both my arms and a further 1,500 down both my legs. 

My mam thought I was doing an accountancy course but I actually have just been putting all my effort into being a fully-fledged Swiftie. 

So come on, have you any leads on a ticket for me?

— Peter, age 39

Well Peter, you could do with a swift kick up the arse. I am absolutely morto for you. You would want to shake it off now fair fast and get your arse back down the road to your mother. 

‘Tisn’t the ERAS Tour ‘tis the YERA Tour....yerra get a grip of yourself. If there are any tickets going for Tay Tay at this late stage I will be going myself. 

I would like one of the Kelce brothers to hold me in his big strong arms and say Rosealeen from Ballydesmond I will give you the ride of your life!

Well Rosealeen, the school holidays have rolled around again and I am already panicked at the thought of what I will do with little Facthna for the next two months. 

I can’t bring him to any of the open farms because the smell of manure upsets his adenoids and I wouldn’t be seen dead in any of the soft play areas. 

The last time I was there I got a wet sock and you can fill in the blanks as to what wet the sock in the first place....It was wee wees. 

I have of course enrolled him in a few summer camps, mini scientist, baby horticulturist, mini banker club, you know the usual, but my God I am running out of ideas for how to occupy his tiny but brilliant mind. Any ideas?

— Saoirse, Monkstown

Well Saoirse, I wonder has the child ever heard of a ball and a wall. If I were you now I would have him puck an Ould ball up agin' an Ould wall for a few hours every day and that will help his tiny but brilliant mind no end. 

Maybe pop into Dunnes and buy him an Ould tracksuit too while you’re at it and you might as well buy him an Ould sliotar and introduce him to all the important balls in one go!

Well Rosealeen, it’s Berna here. 

With the Late Late Show gone for the summer I am finding myself tuning into Love Island almost nightly. There is all sorts of shacking up and lipsing going on. I’m getting all the lingo now and everything. 

But tell me is there anywhere in Ballydesmond where you could get one of those nice bikinis that leave your two arse cheeks hanging out? I am going to Santa Ponsa in a few weeks and I thought it might be nice to go full arse out... have you any thoughts on this?

Well, I knew you wouldn’t be able to leave my column in peace. I knew you’d be on with some nonsensical nonsense. 

You take my advice now and see if you can find yourself some sort of a polo neck for the arse because that lumpy ould thing should be kept covered up at all costs and don’t be destroying the views in Santa Ponsa!