Dear Dáithí: My stingy, competitive in-laws are ruining my holidays

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,

After a not-so enjoyable experience last year going on holidays with my husband’s family, I asked him if we could go ourselves this year.

This year comes around and, lo and behold, I find myself gearing up for two weeks in a holiday village in the West of Ireland with my mother and father-in-law, two sisters-in-laws and husbands and all their kids. I like them, but in small doses!

Last year, we went to France with them, we all had chalets near each other. Every evening they would all congregate in our chalet, my husband did the BBQ every night. We have one daughter, five, and she does love being with all her cousins, but there are five of them. 

They come in and out of our chalet at all hours, they help themselves to all the food. I save up all year to buy the best I can, I buy branded ice-creams, they have own brand cheap ones, but they gobble all mine up, it drives me crazy. 

I feel I can’t relax on my holidays. They’re all free and easy with stripping off, and I would be more conservative.

My idea of heaven is sitting on the beach with my husband and daughter, having quality time together, chilling out, reading, making sandcastles, having a swim.

They are a million miles an hour — always playing competitive games — they are exhausting. How do I make sure this doesn’t happen again, or do I just suck it up?

I’ve said it a million times, the difference between outlaws and in-laws is outlaws are wanted!

One of the worst things about this at the moment is that you have been here before and, even though you tired to do something about it, your efforts have fallen on deaf ears.

Camping in France sounds like a dream holiday, but I’m not so sure if you have the Brady Bunch eating all your nice ice creams (maybe we should call them the Brady Brunch).

The ice-cream saga you’ll have to get over, a lot of the time the generic ice creams are just as good, if not better than the expensive ones. Your in-laws all sound like nice people but, as you say in small doses and that’s fair enough — this is your holiday too.

Why did they all have to come to your chalet to congregate? This is the first change you’ll have to make, this can’t happen this year. You need to sort out some ground rules. 

This is your husband’s doing and you need to tell him that he needs to sort it, straight up, and no messing. You need to explain to him that he didn’t listen to you and that there is now a problem because of that.

There needs to be ground rules if these two weeks in the West of Ireland are to go ok, for you and the whole of the West. We must remember that the fine French weather might not make its way to the West, and this will add to the situation.

First up, you’re going on holidays because it is too late to change it now, but you can’t let last year’s holiday ruin this year before it even begins.

I would write a list of all the things that bugged you and go back to your husband and have that all-important conversation with him.

Now, I know you have already shocked him with the “I don’t want everybody in our chalet” chat and what I don’t want to happen is you overload this poor man with instructions.

Back to this list: Be clear and honest about why this is affecting you.

Tell him everything you said in this letter and add to it. I’d imagine he doesn’t even realise what is going on and a simple explainer will help.

As you’ve said, you work very hard for this holiday and you want to enjoy it.

You say you’re more conservative and you shouldn’t have to apologise for that.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable that the others tog off in front of everyone, that’s ok too, we are all different.

For me, it’s the million miles an hour and that competitiveness that can be a real pain. It can suck the life out of you, especially when you’re a laid-back, easy-going person. 

This leads us onto one of the main problems here, and that is you say you can’t relax on your holiday — that’s what holidays are for.

Now your husband and daughter do have a great time, and it’s important that your daughter spends time with all the cousins, so there must be a compromise.

Two weeks is a very long time for all of you together — next year that Brady Bunch family event should be a weekend away, and this needs to be made very clear after this year’s West of Ireland outing.

There is no point is chatting about this before this year’s holiday. You’ll do well to get through your list for this year, but I believe you will succeed.

If you all make it home in one piece and, if during the year you think your husband might still not be listening, it might be time that you start booking.

Book a holiday for you three and say that this is what you want. I really hope it doesn’t come to this and I don’t think it will. It always comes back to an honest conversation about what is really going on and what actions are affecting people.

To answer the final part of your letter: Yes, you have to suck it up, but only for this year and not for the next few years.

Again, I would set some rules and have that chat soon. I wouldn’t be aggressive about it, speak from the heart, that’s a softer place. 

Most importantly, try and enjoy the holiday, the West of Ireland is a great place with mighty people.

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