Dear Dáithí: I'm tempted by my girlfriend's flirty cousin — Help!

"Don't forget - the grass is always greener, but its twice as hard to cut!"

Dáithí Ó Sé. Pic: Domnick Walsh

Dear Dáithí,  

I'm 35 and live with my girlfriend, who's also 35.  We don't have children, we've been with each other three years, we rent an apartment together, all the bills are split 50/50. 

My girlfriend's cousin (age 28, I'll call her D) has moved in with us last month, as her landlord upped the rent and she couldn't find anywhere to stay in her budget. 

I was a bit annoyed at first but I did sympathise, it's hard to get somewhere. She works funny shifts in retail and I work from home, so we often find ourselves having breakfast together or being in the house on our own. 

My girlfriend (I'll call her C) works long hours and has to be on site so is out a lot. 

D is definitely sending me signals, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

She is very attractive, and to be honest, things haven't been going great with my C and I. The romance is kind of gone out of the relationship, I do try to suggest nights out, but she says she is too tired.

I am always the one to initiate sex and I feel like she's only going through the motions. I don't feel she is attracted to me anymore.  We both seem stuck.

Her cousin has been very flirtatious with me the last couple of weeks, and she had breakfast in a pretty skimpy outfit last weekend. I must admit I'm flirting back but it's as far as it's gone. 

Should I suggest to my girlfriend her cousin moves out? What if she asks me why?  I don't want to get myself in a mess. I don't want to break up with my girlfriend, because I can't afford to rent a place by myself and I'm too old to have flatmates again. 

What do you think I should do? 

Well, my friend, there is nothing like forbidden fruit to get the blood flowing and even though it might seem like the promised land, they don’t call it forbidden for nothing, and outside the garden of Eden is unknown territory for everyone.

It's easy to see how this can be very exciting with things only going okay with your own girlfriend, and Miss D landing down for breakfast in a skimpy outfit, it sounds like the start of a X-rated movie (obviously I had to Google what that looked like, I wouldn’t know from experience, anymore).

Now, she is very attractive and you are only human, and there definitely seems to be a connection there, but this is where you need to pull the handbrake. Stop, and think for a second.

We must examine and take a look at what’s going on with you and your girlfriend.

You are living together for three years which is a long time, but the energy has gone from it. Work and life seem to be coming in the way. 

Fair play for trying to suggest nights out and trying to stir things up, but it doesn’t seem to be working and the sex part isn’t on fire either. 

You think she is not attracted to you anymore and that is a very sad and lonely feeling, a lot of people would be saying its no wonder Miss D who is showing signs might seem appealing. 

You need to talk to your girlfriend about this. I wouldn’t mention that her cousin is flirting at this stage, it would send mixed messages and we don’t want that. 

I think you’ve been very honest with me here, and you need to be honest with her now, and with yourself. 

For example, if it’s the end of your current relationship and if you are really attracted to Miss D, then we know what you should do.

Your girlfriend says she is tired all the time, nobody is tired all the time, if there is something that you really want to do then you will find the energy. 

Now, maybe she needs a wake-up call, and this might be the time to do this. Again, it’s a ‘what are we doing here chat’, as opposed to ‘your cousin is a ride and I want her for breakfast’—  the tone not the ‘tóin’ is important here!

If her work is coming in the way and if she is really serious about you, it might be time for a new job, or both of you adjusting to a new schedule. I think something big like this is needed to move things on.

Until this is sorted with your girlfriend, you must not let anything happen with Miss D. If you and your girlfriend break up, you can do what you want. 

I once read that there are two types of pain. The pain of discipline or the pain of regret. 

You need to be disciplined. I keep going back to Miss D here, because she is really at the centre of this whole dilemma. 

Now she might be sent to you for a reason, she will be the making or breaking of this relationship one way or another, if you think about it.

Here is where I think the problem is, and you probably said it as a throw away comment: you said you don’t want to break up with your girlfriend, and when I read this, I thought that you have a definite plan and were sure of that, but it’s the next part that tells the real story. 

‘Because I can’t afford to rent a place by myself and I’m too old to have flatmates again’. 

Is this the real reason why you are still together? Because if this is it, the whole thing has fallen apart.

That’s not fair on you or your girlfriend. You really need to find out what is going on and what you both want out of this relationship.

You are going to have to ask a few tough questions and you might not like the answers, but you’ll have to be strong.

A final word on Miss D: the grass is always greener, but its twice as hard to cut!