The secret (and difficult) life of solo parenting

Being a single parent means having to do it all without the back-up of a 'number-two'

According to Central Statistics Office data “48% of lone parents said they often experience judgemental attitudes or exclusion as a lone parent, while 41% reported feeling lonely all or most of the time"

Whether you are a solo mam or dad bringing up your children completely on your own — people don’t really get what it’s like. You have to live it. Coping skills really depend on how and if you can manage it all and still stay relatively sane and undamaged by the many curveballs thrown at you, as you navigate parenting alone.

A typical day for me now is as follows — Alarm goes off at 7.30 am to get my 10-year-old twins ready for school, luckily, close by. WW3 begins as arguments commence about breakfast, what’s in the lunch box, clothes to wear (they have no uniform) hair down (I want hair up) won’t wear coats (as too puffy) can we drive (as school bags are so heavy) This is all by 8.30 am, which is the time I have to leave, to be on time. As I wave from the school gate — I breathe. I have five and a half hours to do what I need to before the afternoon schedule takes over.

Right now, these five hours are when I work on my copy-writing business and my journalism articles. Before I worked for myself, which I started in 2020 (yes, in the pandemic) my mornings would have been a mix of exercise (if I wasn’t exhausted from a sleepless night, I have had nights with one hour's sleep) cleaning, shopping, making appointments for whatever the children needed when they were younger (my son wears glasses, my daughter had speech therapy and on top of that are the regular bouts of vomiting bugs, diarrhoea, coughs, flu and then Covid…the list goes on). With twins, I found that when one was sick, the other would be too at the same time or just after one was better. They both got chickenpox the day before they were to start school.

My afternoons now consist of, homework time slot negotiations, prepping the dinner in between checking emails, scheduling meetings, and writing articles, like this one. I constantly feel guilty about not having time for after-school activities, but I just can’t fit it all in for both children. I don’t know how other single parents do this but I am in awe of them. The guilt is something you feel all the time as a solo mam because you want to give them so much more but find you are pulled in so many multiple directions that comes with being a solo parent.

Debbie Ringwood is a solo parent also and now runs her successful marketing, web design, and social media business, The Marketing Shop. But, like myself, it has taken her longer to climb that professional ladder because her responsibilities as a parent have always come first. She says: “As a solo parent you don't have a sounding board for important issues like schools or another adult to plan for days out or holidays, it's always your decision and at your expense."

"There isn't another income for you to fall back on so you have to make career choices that impact on you financially and can ultimately prevent you from achieving your professional goals. In many cases, you could earn more as an employee but when you factor in the cost of childcare it doesn't make sense, particularly when you are always keenly aware of time off for school holidays, illness, and occasions such as school concerts, matches or parent-teacher meetings because it's all your responsibility.”

Yvonne Reddin and twins Sonny and Connie

The anger for me comes in waves too — why are they more or less fatherless? The legal system needs plenty of readjustments and it is happening but far too slowly. Debbie agrees: “One of the biggest challenges you face as a solo parent, particularly if you have left a marriage, is navigating the family law system. We regularly hear it's broken but it's far beyond that, it's something you wouldn't wish on anybody."

If you apply for maintenance, for example, you might be awarded a sum by the courts but a lot of the time you'll never see a cent and eventually you give up going back to court because, for many, court orders are bits of paper to be ignored. Even where a parent isn't any part of a child's life, they still have the right to know where they're travelling on holiday until the age of 18, you have to advise them of every trip that's made and either get their consent for a passport or apply to the courts for consent. 

"Court dates become part of your life for many years, and you're just expected to be there, you may spend five minutes in front of a judge or several hours and a few thousand euro on legal representation — and of course, a day off work and childminder fees.”

Louise Bayliss is campaign coordinator of the Advocacy Team for Focus Ireland and says “Policies can be so non-friendly".

"The National Childcare System is only good if you are in a 9-5 job. Fulltime employment is near impossible for single parents as there is no number-two to help with school collections and drop-offs, sick children at home, medical appointments — the list is endless.”

In relation to the court system for children, fathers are not penalised for not showing up and are allowed to reduce or not pay maintenance at all and also not turn up for their access. New modifications are creeping in but not quick enough. I have always wondered who made the rule that the mother has to stay at home full-time particularly when the mother wants to work. In two-parent families, it’s still expected that the mother takes the school holiday times off, is available when the school rings looking for a parent to collect a child/children, and always there for school collections, doctor/dental appointments and morning drop-offs.

There has always been negativity towards single parents and an assumption that we want to sit at home doing all these daily routines and doing nothing for ourselves. Yes, I love being a mam but I also want to be Yvonne, the person I was BC (before children).

According to Central Statistics Office data “48% of lone parents said they often experience judgemental attitudes or exclusion as a lone parent, while 41% reported feeling lonely all or most of the time".

I have always wanted to work and make something of my life but I just couldn’t find the time and didn’t have the energy in the early years. I have an older son who is now 21, when he was younger, I went to college to study Journalism in DFEi and completed my BA in Journalism in DIT in Dublin. I was lucky to have financial support for grants to study and completed my degree after five challenging years.

Before I finished my degree, I had begun a new relationship and discovered I was pregnant with twins not long after I graduated. I found myself as a single parent again, as the relationship did not last past the babies reaching four months. In 2013 I was a parent to a 12-year-old heading into secondary school and I also had 4-month-old twin babies.

Yvonne Reddin and her twins Sonny and Connie

My career dreams paused again until the twins go to school aged five and I sign up for a one-year teaching course in the National College of Ireland. It was a tough course but I always feel challenges are thrown at the people that can get through them and ultimately, I wanted to have some kind of teaching or writing career.

My career did begin properly when I was 49. It shouldn’t have to take nearly 20 years but it did. This needs to change so solo parents can have a chance to pursue a career at a reasonable age. The balance of the financial strains and childcare that come with being parents has to be handled evenly and fairly by both parents, government programmes and/or by the courts. The Programme for Government commitment to improve outcomes for those who are “…struggling on low incomes, struggling with caring responsibilities, having to raise their families alone, or living with a disability” needs to be addressed immediately, small modifications are not enough to make the impact needed.