Ask Audrey: Absinthe doth make the heart grow fonder this Christmas

You can ask her for advice, but don't expect her to be nice - it's Ask Audrey. What's your problem?

Ask Audrey: sorting Cork people out for ages

Hello, it’s Rosealeen here in Ballydesmond. 

Did I ever tell you I was married? It was in the late 1990s, I ended up saying ‘go on so sure’ to Clem from Knocknagree after a game of truth or dare went horribly wrong. 

It was grand for a while – my mother went from calling me a slag to asking if there was ‘anything stirring.’ Fat chance of that, Clem was gay and only agreed to marry me because his own mother was very keen for him to join the priests. 

We were very happy together really – I had five men on the go, and so did he. 

He left for Manchester eventually after he got tired of the gay scene in Ballydesmond, but we stayed in touch and didn’t he drop me a line during the week to say that he’s home and would it be ok if he came to my place for Christmas dinner, his mother is still trying to get him to join the priests and he’s not able for her. 

The problem is my own bitch of a mother – I’m having her over here for Christmas Day and she still has it in for Clem because I told her that he left me for a young one from Kanturk, it was easier than the truth. 

Do you think I should tell her he’s gay and be done with it? 

— Rosealeen, Ballydesmond

Be careful of big announcements on Christmas Day. I told My Conor I was pregnant one year, and he cried well into the New Year. 

I thought he’d be happy his brother was the father rather than some randomer, but no.

Myself and the guys have a Christmas Eve tradition where we meet in Clancys in town at 12 noon, lash the pints into us and then wait for the alcohol to work its magic and inspire us to buy absolute zingers of last-minute presents for our wives. 

It’s a high-wire act in fairness – three of the guys are divorced – but you can’t beat the buzz when it comes off and herself reacts positively to a bra and knicker set from Brown Thomas that’s one size too small. 

I’m on a warning from my lady love after last year, I’m not sure if she’s messing or not, I’m not great at reading the signals. 

But, if she is serious, then it’s all over unless I get her a premier present this year. (That doesn’t mean an all-you-can-drink weekend trip to Old Trafford unfortunately, Ken Sull tried that and he’s back on the market.) 

I’ve had a look at my strategy and I reckon my problem is Heineken – it’s not giving me enough inspiration. This is mega huge for me because I’ve never drunk anything else and wine is for girls. 

So, what would you recommend for the old inspiration, like?

— Greg, Rochestown

Have you tried absinthe? The bad news is you won’t get home until Stephen’s Day. That’s the good news too – for your wife.

My daughter is dating this guy Kenneth. He's actually really nice and down to earth which is a surprise because he’s from the Blackrock Road. 

The problem is he’s a vegan and he’s coming to our place for Christmas dinner. I asked my daughter if he’d be happy with a Medley of Veg, only to be told that sounds like some kind of slop you’d give at a country wedding to punish a veggie who doesn’t like beef or salmon. 

Off to Google with me and Jamie Oliver has a couple of nice options with butternut squash and lentils, so I asked her how about that. 

She then asked what will her Dad eat, I said, turkey, spiced beef, a bit of ham, the usual. 

That’s when I’m told that there can’t be any meat at all on the table, Kenneth gets sad when he sees dead animals. 

I told my husband and he said he’ll leave me if there isn’t at least spiced beef, he’s very traditional. 

It looks like I have to choose between my husband or this Kenneth, who is in line to inherit a fortune. What would you recommend?

— Orla, Glasheen Road.

Is it worth losing your husband over a piece of meat? 

Yes, if that piece of meat is the 27-year-old Italian guy working in our local pizza place. 

I hope you find that helpful.

C’mere, what’s the story with a Christmas swim? I’m seeing this old doll down by Myrtleville, all her family are mad for the sea-swimming. 

I’d rather lick the road in Dungarvan than go into the sea at this time of the year, or any time of the year to be honest, it do be freezing. 

She’s going to insist I come along to their annual Christmas swim in Myrtleville, to show that I love her. 

So my plan is to break it off with her on Christmas Eve, no need for the Christmas swim, and then get back with her in time for New Year. 

How can I phrase that so she doesn’t throw a wobbler?

— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

I had a boyfriend once who paused it with me on Christmas Eve to save buying a present. 

He said, I need a break. I said, I’ll drop you up to A&E after, ankle or arm?