Richard Hogan: How to navigate Christmas with grief, pressure and stress

Richard Hogan. Photograph Moya Nolan

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Homes warm with multicoloured lights, wooden reindeer-protecting porches and those bloody neighbours casting some sort of garish Christmas pantomime on the façade of their house. 

We are one such neighbour. May the absurdity begin. 

I love this time of year. Wrapping up against the elements, children excitedly waking each morning to see what shenanigans the elf has been up to while they slept. Even Taylor Swift takes a break, and ChristmasFM takes over. It is a magical time of year. 

But it isn’t unproblematic for people. Parents can often feel the incredible pressure to make it the best Christmas ever. 

This time of year should come with a landmine warning. There is the financial burden, we are forced back into potentially fraught and complicated familial relationships, while also drinking and eating a little more than we normally would. Tripwires everywhere.

I remember, as a kid, going to Trabolgan for the first time. All month, I dreamed of that yellow slide. All the different ways I was going to go down it; breach birth, head first, legs up, legs down, face down... you get the picture. It was an Everest of time to traverse, to get to the best day of my life. 

When I walked into the pool for the first time I thought to myself, ‘Is that it?’ The fact I nearly drowned also tainted my impression of that day - a day that promised so much. 

When we build things up, they never live up to expectations, especially when you nearly drown. 

Everywhere we are told, "it’s the most wonderful time of the year’" That can be a pressure in itself. For many, this time of year can provoke all sorts of problems.

GRIEF

This season can be profoundly difficult for those who have lost a loved one during the year. 

Losing someone meaningful in our life is always a deeply saddening experience, but whenever we do something repeatedly like celebrating Christmas - the emptiness of the person you shared all those past moments with is significantly illuminated that first time celebrating without them. 

Grieving is a process, but that first year is the most difficult year because it is a year of firsts. The first birthday, the first Halloween, the first Christmas. 

Acknowledging that this Christmas will not be the same as last year, and managing your expectations of it, is important over these next few weeks. 

Allow yourself to grieve, and try not to put pressure on yourself to present a happy face to all. You have lost someone you love, you are grieving, and that is a natural part of the human condition. 

If you do not want to take part in something, be authentic to yourself and your feelings and don’t allow yourself to be forced into any situation you don’t want to be in. 

Remember, it will be over soon and you will have managed to get through it.

FINANCIAL ISSUES

Parents can also feel an incredible financial burden. 

We all want to give our children the best Christmas possible, but January is only a few weeks away, and if we take on a huge loan in our desire to give them the best Christmas, we will place stress on ourselves later. 

Christmas is a time of family, and of course receiving and giving gifts. But we have to manage our children’s expectations of what it is they can receive. 

It is always very interesting to observe how quickly a child moves from wanting something they can’t live without, to choosing something completely different. 

Helping them to move away from very expensive toys is important, so that you don’t place too much strain on yourself. 

I tell mine that they can ask for one big thing and two small things and something for a charity. 

I always want to keep the idea of helping others in their viewpoint, especially at a time like this – when it is all about receiving. The something big is always managed too. 

Santa cannot bring everything, and when they know that, they manage themselves a bit better too. It’s good for children to think like this. 

You see children who have received the message they can get whatever they want, opening presents without any real joy or meaning to it. 

It has such a destructive impact on their future happiness. The child who gets everything appreciates nothing - what a terrible lifelong impact that has on a person’s sense of excitement and joy.

THE BALANCE

In family therapy, there is a process known as homeostasis, it means balance. All families fall into a state of balance. 

It can be like the event horizon of a black hole, you get sucked back into the role your family placed you in, all those years ago. 

We often leave our family thinking, 'why wasn’t I more authentic in that situation?'. 

But it’s hard because we all get labelled by our families, and those labels help us to make sense of each other, and manage balance. 

But if you want to change how you are perceived in your family, you have to change how you perceive yourself and how you act in their company. This will create a new balance, maybe a more real one. 

Also, if you have some difficult family members you have to navigate this year, remember when they say something negative about you, react with cold cognition. Ask a very simple question: "can you explain that joke to me?" 

Or if you want to bite back a little ask, "when you say something like that you sound very insecure". 

Navigating loved ones, watching how much we spend, and managing our grief if we lost someone recently are all important considerations this festive period. 

Pretty soon we will be hoovering up the pine needles, taking down decorations and launching into resolutions. 

But for now, eat, drink and be merry. 

Happy Christmas, one and all.